I have been single now for almost 3 years, and in that time I have committed many deadly sins; perhaps the most sinful of all would probably be internet dating; using dating websites kickstarted my confidence again following Operation Middle-class-let-down.

Yes, thank you M(sn)atch.com, plentyoffanny.org and twoarmstwolegsandupforit.net; you’re the shit.

A few friends have been asking for some tips, so I thought I’d slap up the following:

KEVS GUIDE TO INTERNET DATING

STEP ONE – How to filter out all the mentalists

• Avoid anyone who describes herself as either a ‘culture vulture’ or a ‘social butterfly’. In short, she’s a cunty canary who only sings one song, ‘Waterloo’, by Abba.
• Skip past anyone who has put “oh yeah, me, I love evenin’s out or a night in with a dvd I do”. You’d probably get more conversation out of the DVD inlay card with the chapters on it.
• Anyone that lets her friend fill out her profile is most likely an indecisive penis; or painfully humble. Eitherway, definately not dating material.
• Equally, a woman who spends the first 4000 characters saying how “hard” it is talking about herself probably came out of her mum with a silver spoon in her mouth….talking about oneself isn’t ‘hard’; fighting half-starved albino squirrels in Afghanistan whilst stark bollock naked is ‘hard’. You gaze into their red eyes and all you see is madness……

STEP TWO – Timing

• In the essence of fairplay, don’t date anyone who is currently on their monthlies, nor should you consider dating anyone near Christmas or Valentines Day; you don’t want to have to fork out money to buy gifts now do you?
• Pay particular attention to each profile’s ‘star sign’. Then you can work out when the person’s birthday is going to fall and again avoid buying presents or an expensive meal. Anyone with a very elaborate entry regarding their star sign and how much of a good fit it is to their personality (and then gives examples) should be considered rabid and dangerous.

STEP THREE – The Date

• You will be suprised at how easily you can pass off being tight as being romantic. For example, say that you love nothing more than a delightful walk in the park on a summers eve, go on the swings, climb a tree together. Yes, romance is much better than £50 for two steak and chips followed by a bit of cheesecake.
• Turn up late, if she’s still there, she’s desperate.  Ask her if she has a friend who would like to join you when you get back to hers.  She probably knows someone.
• Don’t get a mate to phone you halfway through in case you need an excuse to leave; just stand up, zip up your fly and say “I’ll be off then”. Much more direct, and she’ll never ring again.  If she does, she’s desperate.

And that’s about it. You’ll be charming those tarts in no time at all.

Good luck.