How’s it going then treacle, alright?
Well stone me dead with an elastic band and a damp sponge; it’s almost 2010 innit? I mean, blimey, where has the year gone eh? Down the side of the sofa? In the fluffy pocket of my occasional jacket; occasional because it offers some protection to sunnier climes but doesn’t get a look-in during the winter. Too cold I tell ya, I’d catch a bleeding death!
Without further ado, I’d like to announce my predictions for the year twenty hundred and ten, that’s 2010 to all you digital folk out there! Big up, respec’.
THE SATURATION OF ‘ACTIVITY’ GROUPS ON FACEBOOK.
Given the popularity of the ‘Rage Against The Machine for Christmas Number One’ Facebook group; I predict that every wannabe trendy activist in town will eventually attempt to start up their own pointless protest group on Facebook for media exposure and bragging rights down the Student Union.
I felt the true message was lost with the RATM campaign, it wasn’t that Simon Cowell influences the Christmas Number One with clever marketing; it’s more that the music industry is in such a sorry state that it hasn’t got much raw homegrown British talent to compete with all the manufactured bilge that gets churned out. Expect to see about 30 ‘Birdie song for Christmas Number One’ groups in December 2010.
REVEALED, THE TRUE IDENTITY OF GRAFFITI ARTIST ‘BANKSY’.
Front page news, Tiger Woods, caught with a can of spray paint outside Camden Town tube station. Well, he has been a very naughty fucker in 2009, so it wouldn’t surprise me?
BIG BROTHER 2010.
Housemates emerge from the Big Brother House to find that the live cameras were never turned on and that everyone has tuned in to the ‘finale night’ to see the crushed expression on their pathetic fame-obsessed faces when they realise this.
GORDON BROWN APOLOGISES TO THE BRITISH INDIAN COMMUNITY.
Gordon Brown’s election campaign fails and sees him leave 10 Downing street in a cloud of racial controversy.
60 million people witness the former Prime Minister call his Holiness Krishnan Guru-Murthy, Neo-Hindu Messiah, a ‘brown nose’ during a televised political debate and he is forced to apologise to the British Indian community during his departing speech.
KATIE PRICE’S FACE IMPLODES.
Katie ‘Jordan’ Price face implodes whilst trying to form a smile during a Panto appearance at the New Wimbledon’s theatre in Wimbledon, unsurprisingly. An autopsy reveals that her expression-less face just couldn’t take the strain. Tanorexics everywhere mourn her loss.
LADY GAGA WHO?!
‘Talented’ Lady Gaga disappears into obscurity following a ‘wardrobe malfunction’ which exposes ‘her’ two fully functional cocks. Gaga later resurfaces as Nigel Bratwurst from Sheffield who is a regular panelist on a local radio edition of ‘I Say, Have Thar Gotten News For You By ‘eck’.
STEPHEN HAWKING’S COMPUTER WINS NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.
Professor Hawkings ZX Spectrum wins the Nobel Peace prize for it’s dedication to flower arrangements in occupied Tibet.
GLOBAL WARMING A “FALSE ALARM“.
Scientists declare the international phenomenon of ‘Global Warming’ a “false alarm” after it is revealed that they have been using counterfeit fake thermometers purchased off of Ebay.
Secondary experiments investigating the average temperature of Spider monkey rectums confirmed that the instruments were inaccurate; rigorous tests eventually revealed that the liquid was not Mercury but actually Economy Cherryade from Sainsbury’s; the family favourite fizzy drink has seemingly duped us all into believing that the planet was warming! You silly sausages!