“South Africa’s ailing ex-leader, Nelson Mandela, is showing great resilience though his condition is unstable at times, the government says.” = Nelson Mandela is being pumped full of drugs, fed nanobots and has been wired up to Cape Town’s national grid in order to keep the poor old sod alive way past his due date. 

“SYRIA:  Cameron and Obama threaten ‘serious response'” = The UN security council has less teeth than a 87 year old crystal meth hooker from Louisiana called Agnes. 

“Amanda Knox – Won’t return for trial” = Guilty. 

“Prince William: ‘I did the first nappy'” = Now some poor fucker with no sense of shame does it for me.

“Woman turns up alive, 13 days after her funeral.” = What a waste of funeral ham?

“Brit Clubber Found Dead in sea off Ibiza.” = Not so much a clubber, more of a terrible swimmer?