Good evening fellow trumpeters!  

Greetings, salutations and welcome to one and all; may I say a special wangtastic-welcome to the Mulsim Feather Tickling Society who have travelled all the way from sunny Clackton to be with us today.  Please ladies and gentlemen, be upstanding and give our esteemed guests a round of applause!!!  But don’t look the ladies in the eyes!

Yes, I’ve finally lost the plot.

Having worked 6am-4pm today of my own volition (I’m an overtime whore) I came home this evening, changed my bed linen (being the metrosexual man that I am), had a nice bath, then had a shave and finally slunk into my duvet for an early-ish night.  And then I got wanged by Baal and his daft minions.

Confound, blast, bugger and crumpets, every complete smeg and their hispanic maid are in their gardens tonight taking advantage of the hottest day of the year so far.  Right now I can hear several pissed bints shouting “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy!” as loud as they can followed by precisely 4 seconds of clapping and then a prompt reprise of “oi oi!” from someone sitting next to a potting shed (I devise this having heard the unique sound of slurred nonsensical jabber with added terracotta echo).  I’m all for people having a good time but why does Wallington become Aya-slapper when the temperature rises above 15oC?

In addition to this, every single little annoying yappy dog in England sounds like it’s currently outside my window tonight barking away; but where do all the big dogs go!?!?  Maybe they all go away on holiday and that’s why the little terriers come out and yap all night long free in the knowledge that a Great Dane won’t stroll down the street, jump over the fence and twat them with a club hammer?

Is it wrong to secretly hope for rain so that Sharon, Sharon and Shaz go inside and take ‘Mr Tinkles’ with them?  Being a quarter chocolate drop I do think that It is entirely a shame that our Native American (Indian) namesakes were bestowed with the power of the rain dance; whereas my bretheren chose to play Kabadi instead.  I do love the sport of Kabadi don’t get me wrong; but right now I’d happily dance naked in my garden if it meant bringing on the precipitation. 

Ah ha, that said there is now silence outside my window.  So I shall bid you all farewell and take full advantage of this by sneaking off into slumberland……..BUT………hear me Odin………I swear upon your almighty beard that I intend to take my revenge on said yappy dogs in the coming weeks by sprinkling your divine ex-lax chocolate into all gardens so that these dogs may go into the houses of my enemies and desecrate their ikea furniture!!!!!  NORSE POWER!