Many thanks to those who have e mailed me to say they have missed my incessant ramblings and rants; I love you all darlings.  I apologise forthwith for neglecting my blogging duties.  Grovel, grovel, grovel.

So!.  What’s it all about then Alfie?!?!  Why haven’t I posted for a while?  Well, to be honest I haven’t had the bloody inclination to do so.  For the record, I was temporarily suspended from work on Thursday, 17th of July 2008 because I stupidly sent out some games via company e mail.  I made the mistake of sending them to a friend in the building who then had the audacity to try and send them to external contacts with ‘GAMES’ in the subject title.  Smooth.

I.T.’s ‘naughty stuff’ detectors picked up on the word ‘Games’ and I was down having a meeting of concern with Human Resources before you could say “Lets make an example of Kev, even though the vast majority of people are not only playing games in the office but are most likely running a variety of immigration and prostitution rackets elsewhere in the building”.  Upon reflection, that would actually take a long time to say wouldn’t it?  I digress, sorry. 

Consequentially, I was sent home on full pay pending an investigation.  I can’t really elaborate too much on how I felt at this time because the anger still runs raw through my darkie veins, but suffice to say that I felt the initial part of the disciplinary was handled very badly, in my humble opinion of course.  Eventually, my manager (and RSV obsessed buddy) Alan intervened and got me back into the office the following Monday.  I was pretty relieved to say the least; my employer has a very strict email/internet abuse policy and could have dismissed me should they found that I had downloaded or brought the files in from an external source.  This most certainly was their intention initially (my manager was out of the office and the covering manager bungled the whole thing).

I returned into the office to an extremely warm reception from my colleagues who had text and e mailed me throughout, thanks guys it meant a lot.  I cleared my PC of anything non-work related and that was that.  I shall personally miss my collection of accident video clips but what can you do?

Thankfully, the investigation ceased on the 30th July, I.T. were unable to provide the source of the files, furthermore the only record they had of me playing the games over the course of several months was around 8am one morning (in my own time).  For my trouble I got a verbal warning (which was confirmed in writing, something I thought was rather ironic?!?!) and my legs royally smacked.  OK, so I made the last bit up.  I got off lightly.

What did I learn through this experience you ask?? 

1) Big brother (Or as Indians like to call it, barda bhai) is definately watching, and I am extending my large middle finger in his general direction!  Suck on that, your mother was a can of tuna!

2) I need to invest in a personal wireless USB modem for my laptop ASAP. When I get this I intend to send some Donkey Midget porn to my witless friend (who shall remain nameless – COUGHS :: Hitesh! ::) who made the worst judgement call naming his e mail ‘GAMES’ in the first instance.  This is clearly the stupidest thing he has done since his infamous parachute jump into a known minefield somewhere in North Korea whilst holding a large epileptic hedgehog.

3) Don’t have friends who get fucking caught!

4) Stare out the window instead of going on to the internet.

5) When I get REALLY bored I intend to get up and walk around randomly with a stapler.  Nobody is going to ask why for fear they’ll get stapled to a nearby desk.  Plus it’s nice and obscure.

6) Buy a guinea pig for the office to pass the hours, there’s bugger all in the staff handbook about that being against the rules!  I’m going to get one and call it Mr Nibbles.  A schedule shall be drawn up for people to take it home for bank holidays and weekends.  Names in a hat please.

So there we go, normal service will now resume.  Thank you for your cooperation.