I am sitting here rather stuffed and jolly having just tackled my Christmas roast below. As you can see it’s a rather splendid effort by mummy dearest; or “Brontasaurus and chips” as coined by my grandfather.

Lounging on my sofa it occurred to me that people around the UK are either watching the Queen deliver her Christmas message, or witness Iranian President Mammaries Armoureddinnerjacket squeeze his alternative message out on Channel 4 (amazing what Leftie t.v. will do next in order to bump up it’s viewer figures). Not to be outdone I thought I’d have a go. Ahem.

1). Please, please, please can the hideously outdated Catholic Church get a new Pope, one who doesn’t wish to continue his brief career in the Waffen SS and “help” all gays everywhere. After the gays it’ll be people with clubbed feet and before we know it, hetrosexual unmarried men such as myself living in occasional sin will have holy water thrown at them and tambourines shaked in their faces?

2). I urge all the indigenous homeless people of the UK to take up arms, legs and torsos and reclaim their big issue franchises from the foreign homeless types that have clearly strong-armed them from their rightful place outside Somerfields across the country. It’s a human rights tragedy i’m telling ya, and the United Nations should get involved.

3). Woolworths should close immediately and put people working there out of their misery selling such tat. Vacant shops will be recycled and used as ‘contact centres’ for BNP opportunists. Saves them all hiding on the BBC’s ‘have your say’ messageboards.

4). The phrase ‘credit crunch’ has been considerably overused and is hereby banned from public use with immediate effect. It will be replaced by ‘sensible wallet syndrome’ and monitored by the ‘Socially Korrupt and Independant National Titwank Trust’ , or ‘S.K.I.N.T.T’ for short.

5). The Daily Mail shall also cease to publish it’s poison penned tripe immediately and it’s brainwashed readership shall be reintegrated back into the modern world following a rehabilitation programme involving a non-stop 24 hour reading session of Viz and the Beano. Overuse of words and phrases like ‘draconian’, ‘nanny state’ and ‘work-challenged spooks’ will eventually die out.

I should like to take this opportunity to urge you all to be mindful of your neighbour the next time you receive their post and are tempted to see how badly they are in dept or if they have subscribed to ‘Readers Wives take 10 inch black cocks’.

Additionally, don’t use your VISA wantonly and avoid using your credit cards to buy that flashy car you don’t really ‘need’ unless you have a good enough body to sell in order to pay for your ill gotten gains.

Most important of all stay warm, and don’t tickle any disgruntled grizzly bears.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to wish you all Merry Christmas and a Happy 2009.

Sag aloo.