Prat a Minge-y

Hooray, it’s Monday and all that jazz!!!!!  Come on, scat with me now!  Skippedyboooooobobskweeeebowwdingding!  No, not that kind of scat!?!?!!  Dirty bitch…..

Anyway, having practically forced my colleague Hitesh to get the McDonalds breakfast muffins in today, I found myself fueled enough to plough on with my work until about 1pm when I eventually realised I was once again ‘Hank Marvin’ (starving).  Having considered that I’d had a rather naughty breakfast; I eventually decided to go and buy  some sushi from Pret a Manger in order to counterbalance all the MSG and saturated fat I’d consumed earlier.

Being a big lover of raw fish (Gollum Gollum!), I’m pretty much forced to go and get my kicks from Pret because they are the only reasonable supplier of sushi in Croydon (aside from perhaps Yo Sushi in House of Fraser, but I only get an hour for lunch and it’s too far to go).  The alternatives?  Boots the Chemist has crap soggy sushi, and don’t get me started on the crap that Somerfield used to sell!

I secretly don’t like Pret, at all.  In fact, I normally just run in there, grab my sushi and run back out again; purely so I don’t catch any of the percular social diseases that a vast majority of Pret’s patrons appear to be suffering from.  Thank god for headphones, it drowns out all the execs boasting about climbing K2 in their spare time, building wells in Africa and all the other name-dropping exercises which are seemingly said purely for effect rather than actually having been enjoyed by the individual; and are completely guaranteed to make me grind my teeth.

Regrettably, I couldn’t just rush in and out today because all the sushi sold out, which left me to consider some of the other products on offer.  Hmmmmmm.  Reluctantly, I started scanning the sandwiches on the shelves for something to scoff.   Here’s what I found:


‘Italian Proscuitto on Artisan
I looked at this and immediately asked myself .  “Why don’t people make plain ham sandwiches anymore?”. This sorry excuse for a sandwich had more flowers and weeds in it than meat, or bread for that matter.  So I put it back down.

‘No-Bread winter falafel’
Confuddled, I was.  I was in fact so confused by the concept of this ‘meal’ that I almost stabbed myself with the cardboard container in frustration.  Suffice to say I reconsidered and moved on.

‘Herb chicken and rocket’
Lettuce clearly isn’t fashionable anymore is it kids?  Eruca Sativa, or ‘rocket’ as it’s commonly known is taking over sandwiches everywhere.  It’s the Stalin of sandwich garnish?  This sandwich would most likely suit a health conscious pregnant woman, who fancied a treat.

‘Dolphin-friendly tuna
This was the final straw.  Dolphin-friendly Tuna?  Just how friendly?  Do they all sit around sharing some quality Ghanja?  I stood with the container in my hands for sometime pondering what the unfriendly Tuna must be like?   Do people actually buy this product because Pret guarantee that Dolphins are not harmed in the catching of the Tuna.  What about the Tuna!!??!?!  DOES NOBODY CARE ABOUT THE TUNA!?!?!  HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT IN YOUR DOLPHIN-THEMED BEDROOM WHILST INNOCENT TUNA DIE!?!!? Hypocrites……..

So there you have it.  Nothing appealed, I buggered off and had a Kit-Kat instead. Ready to Eat?  Yes.  Ready to pay over the odds for a quantity of ponce in between two slices of bread?  No.

p.s. why do people always say the word croissant with a stupid French accent, in Croydon?  Am I meant to be impressed by how cultured you are?!?!!?!

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