This is Nigel; he’s a complete and utter shitcunt who spends all day squatting on the shelf next to my desk.

You can usually find him there hanging out with his posse of hoodlums; there’s:

• Mad Frankie ‘Chicky’ Fraser (Pimp)
• Duckster ‘The Kazoo’ Malardcyzcyz (Fixer from Poland)
• Stevie ‘The hypothermic kangaroo’ Wonder (Gun for hire).

Nigel will cut your throat as soon as look at you; so don’t ever get on his bad side!