Oh dear.   Christmas adverts have started filtering onto our screens, is it mid November already?  Where does the year go?  Eh?  Eh?

I hate Christmas adverts and how incredibly fucking smug they are!  ‘Tum te tum te tum tum tum’ ( jingly music) fake snow, people all smiling and BHAM!  “Walking along, singing a song, walking in a wint…………BUY A SOFA YOU MINDLESS FUCKER!!! IT’S 50% OFF!”.  That’d be MUCH more honest?

Take the new Boots Advert.   Hearing the music kick in……..’Do de de do, do dee dee do, diddidyd doo doo deedy dee do!’……..then “Here come the girls!” opening chorus makes me want to projectile vomit.  I don’t know what I hate more about the adverts; the fact that they’re over a month early and remind me of working in Boots over Christmas back in the day; or the way in which the adverts are trying to suggest that all women in England are sophisticated white middle class empowered ball busters who wouldn’t look out of place in the film ‘Notting Hill’.

Kev’s idea for a Boots Christmas Advert =  ‘Do de de do, do dee dee do, diddidyd doo doo deedy dee do!’…….then…….”here come the girls!” and the camera then pans to a road in Croydon with several rotund pissed middle aged women being sick in the gutter outside Tiger Tiger.  Yes, that’d be far more appropriate.  Here come the girls indeed…….

Then there’s the new Littlewoods advert.  Words almost fail me.  The scene is set, it’s a kids Christmas musical play and a bunch of carefully selected HR tick sheet poster children work their way through a ‘hip’ medley of songs designed to make the impoverished order catalogue goods and spend money they don’t have on their spoilt little bastard children.

If that’s not bad enough, there’s an exceptionally offensive rap that’s probably been written by the whitest person ever (someone like David Cameron) and they get a cute little black kid to say “My muvva’s wicked!” like it’s the 1980’s.  Then they cap it all off by having a little white girl with glasses end the song by saying “……..my lovely lovely muvva” before she disappears behind the stage curtain.  This didn’t evoke me into buying said goods from Littlewoods;  I thought “She’ll be working in McDonalds in 10 years time, the little under-achiever”.

The worst thing about the Littlewoods advert is that I can imagine lots of very bored mothers sitting around thinking that it’s the best advert in the world.  “Ah, look at all the kids, innit luuuuuuuuuuvly!?”.   But then I suppose that is the point of Christmas isn’t it?