Cinema Seat Chaos – Alphanumeric Tomfuckery

I went to see ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ again last night (third time!  Woohooo!!!) and it was fucking brilliant; however, going to a cinema is often a very angst and infuriating experience for me due to my obsessive compulsive disorders.

Frankly, I find the behaviour of people in cinemas to be largely idiotic and annoying; people applauding films like they’re in the United States (offensive), making ‘whoop whoop’ noises when the cinema certificate pops up (wankers) or having to listen to banal ‘facts’ sourced from Wikipedia is usually enough to make me go into ‘Yosemite Sam’ mode.


The idiosyncrasy that I find most annoying is watching stupid people bumble about looking for a seat.

You must know the kind of cunt sticks I mean?  The silly pricks who aimlessly walk around using a mobile phone as a pathetic makeshift torch so that they can identify the row letter.

Here’s a clue fuckers!  It’s an alphanumeric system!!!  The front row is always ‘A’, so you consider the alphabet sequence as you walk up through the rows until you find your letter and then walk in to find the seat number.  It’s EASY!

There’s even a fucking plan on the outside of most cinema screens so you can identify your seating location before you go through the door!  But oh no!  It’s the most complicated thing in the word for some imbeciles!??

What is wrong with these people???

I’ve actually been approached by one or two confused seat-hunters who have stared at me point blank, looking accusingly like I’m in the wrong seat before they eventually realise and go off and annoy someone else before eventually finding their place after five or so minutes?!!

Use your fucking eyes and brain, you utter bank of wank!

Such people should only be allowed in the cinema when accompanied by a responsible and clear thinking adult.

Roll the credits.