Executive jargon & My bad

The most offensive ‘exec speak’ phrases doing the rounds in my office according to the Antikrish dictionary, revised 69th edition.

Proactive = Yoghurt?  This is a particularly stupid word; one often used by Financial Times subscribers (be honest, nobody actually reads it?) who lack genuine Business acumen.  Generally used by an individual to announce that they will use due dilligence in order to prevent the hounds of stagnation and procrastination biting them on the arse.  Common sense really?

Idea storm = What next, presentation tornados?  Appraisal hurricane?  Proposal sleet?

Guestimate = A combination of guess and estimate.  Absolutely no need to say this whatsoever, if you do I’ll scowl at you.  Hard.  Like your momma used to when you ate sweets before dinner. 

Chillaxing = Presumably a combination of the words chill and relaxation.  If you use this, you’re a silly bell-end.

My bad = As per my earlier prediction this phrase is increasingly being used by kids who watch far too much MTV or ‘Friends’.  The closest equivalent would be ‘my fault’ which of course makes perfect sense.  My bad?!?!  MY BAD?!?!?  What’s wrong with you, ya flipping ignoramus!!!  You sound like Captain Caveman!  What next, ‘Unga Bunga!’ instead of “Hello old chap”.

Going Forward = Never, EVER, EVER to be used in the presence of Kev.  It was clearly invented during an internal HR review; gotta love the way they recycle old marketing terminology and re-brand it?  “What shall we do today girls?  I know, lets invite a pointless phrase and get the masses to use it whilst we all drink Pret coffee to celebrate, hurrah!”.  God I hate buzzwords.  Until now I’ve been silently outraged whenever some exec git uses it in meetings, but it’s starting to drift into casual conversation amongst friend who are far too intelligent to get caught up using this phase (tut tut, you know who you are!).  NO!!!!!!!  IT’S A DIRTY BUSINESS!

1 thought on “Executive jargon & My bad

  1. Terry O Stereo

    My least favourite is when people are leaving their job to “seek fresh challenges”.
    That one makes me want to do murder.

    Also, once got made redundant after my manager had been “tasked” to “conduct a headcount” I was told i had been “a victim of my own success”

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