Category Archives: Editorials

Flash, bang, what a picktcha!

Strangest thing happened up in town at the weekend; got asked by a Japanese couple to take their photo over by the Thames River. Was all ready to take the shot, shouted over to them “OK, wave!!!!”….and they fucking legged it and left me still holding their camera?!! I’m very confused to say the least…..

Premier League Darts

OOOOOOOOOONNNE HUNDREDDDDDDD AND EIIIIIIIIIIIGHTY!!!!!!!!!!

I enjoyed a night of Premier League Darts this Thursday; got the train down to Brighton seafront and arrived just as the sun began to set.  Beautiful!

There’s something about the coast which revitalises me, the glistening tides washed away 24 hours of stress and anxiety; I felt very guilty not being at home to comfort Chico following his trip to the vets when he became El Castrato!  Poor little fella 😦

I met my good friend Ian down there along with his son who arrived with a friend; the Brighton Seafront venue was perfect for the occasion.  The queue to get in was full of the sort of people I’d seen at other meetings live on Sky Sports; jovial and dressed up in a variety of costumes or generic outfits for a bit of fun.

Darts is a game that I have enjoyed since I was a kid, I used to play with Mum and Dad down in Selsey, Brian and I also had a dartboard growing up and I have a fond memory of playing ‘Killer’ before settling down to watch ‘The Young Ones’ in the 1980’s.

Eighties Darts involved players like Eric Bristow and Jockey Wilson; overweight bememoths who drank and smoked excessively whilst applying their craft in a pub atmosphere.  The modern game is pretty similar in many ways, just minus all the ciggies (thank goodness!).

The atmosphere in the venue was absolutely fantastic, everyone was up for it and copious amounts of lager and a reluctance to eat over-priced food made for some serious mischief.

I am unable to fully convey how amusing it is seeing grown men sod about in a variety of different costumes; there was a group of guys dressed up as ‘Where’s Wally’, a couple kitted out as Mario and Luigi, a pretty disturbing looking bright pink latex Pig (guy had some serious moves).   Their support was genuine and openly appreciated by the players, a true display of camaraderie if ever there was one.

Think the most interesting thing I saw that night was an African couple who turned up to watch and sat in the row in front of me, most people would be forgiven for considering Darts as a Nordic sport played by whities; but not so.  Every arcade I went into in Japan had fancy dartboards, they were everywhere in Hong Kong as well!

Paying £20 for a ticket to see Phil Taylor (arguably the greatest player of all time) ply his trade is an absolutely bargain; great evening!  I thoroughly enjoyed it and hope I get a chance to go again soon!

Lets………….play……………darts!!!!!!!!!

Recycle bins

I’m irritated this morning; a good dozen people or so around me are belly-aching that their civil liberties are being gang raped.

What tremendous wrong has been bestowed upon then you may ask?!?? What heinous crime against humanity???

Individual bins have been replaced by a centralised community bin area to encourage recycling and help the cleaner who previously had to empty 500 bins rather than the current 15-20 now in operation.

Personally; I thought this was a great idea!

I’m certainly no Green Avenger; however I do my bit by recycling at home, turn off unused appliances and try to limit my energy usage; a fair change to the wasteful oik that i was in my youth!!

I think people are generally quite blessed if walking 10 yards to a bin is their greatest hardship in life; it’s hardly walking several miles to get ‘fresh’ water now is it?!?

Libya

‘Libya standoff hampers diplomacy’ – is it me or is it an inappropriate time to even consider having a picnic?

Given that Colonel Gaddafi has been in charge since 1969; why hasn’t he promoted himself to general?

He’s an odd looking sod isn’t he? I thought the latex puppet satire television programme ‘Spitting Image’ had come back until I realised that actually was HIM!

Whenever there’s a humanitarian disaster; you’ll always see lots of posh British Ex-Pats pleading poverty about their right to be repatriated by our Government amidst all the craziness.

Yet these greedy bastards have been profiteering at the general disadvantage of the local populace. Oh, and they’re usually tax dodgers too!!

Birds of a feather flock together I suppose?! God I hate Pauline Quirk.

Witches and Mediums

Hocus Pocus, toil and trouble, eye of newt; rough birds who ‘know’ they are witches. Any of this sound familiar?!? Yes, I’m sure it does…

There seems to be a growing trend of young British woman who genuinely believe that they are witches; gifted with arcane powers and all that old crap.

Now I personally wouldn’t mind if they resembled the saucy Hammer Horror 60’s and 70’s foxy ladies; but the harsh reality is that the modern day witch in the United Kingdom is a deluded piss artist who wouldn’t look out of place in a dodgy German scat porno!

As you may have guessed, I’m a cynic; I lived in Tolkein’s realm as a kid and happily played Advanced Dungeons and Dragon’s until the early hours; but I am more likely to believe that Prince Charles has a moist vagina than to believe any of these bints have magic powers.

I can honestly say the same for psychic mediums; why visit a bored divorcee con artist when you can pay me £30 to roll my eyes back into their sockets, shout “spirits come forth!!” and spout a load of convenient facts that I found out about the person on Facebook or via Google?!?

Better still, download a ‘magic 8 ball’ application on your mobile phone for 99p; then you’ll be a true mage!!! Roll the D20!!! Critical hit!!!

Yours sincerely

Miss Claire Voyant
Head fucker
There’s One born every day Society

CBT revisited

I had to retake my Compulsory Bike Test (CBT) again today because my current 2 year certificate runs out in a couple of days; it’s quite weird to think that I have been riding motorbikes for that length of time……….aside from the couple of months I have spent on crutches obviously. Very bizzare.

Seems like only yesterday that I passed my first CBT and ended up going down to Brighton with my mate Alan and his friend Scott the weekend afterwards.

Due to the experience that I have gained over the last two years; I was able to take the experienced CBT test which consists of a few manouvers in the off road test area and then out on a compulsory 2 hour road test.

The whole thing was straight forward enough I suppose; aside from the occasional bend and corner, fnar fnar…………..I arrived home with my new certificate and some constructive tips on how to improve my road positioning and general approach to riding.

I greatly look forward to the coming months where Mr Sunshine will hopefully make an appearance so that I can pop down to the coast and encourage my skin to become a colour more befitting my surname!

January Gales!

I consider myself quite fortunate to be home safe tonight; I reluctantly went to the gym after work for a run (ankle is getting much better!) and a swim afterwards.  Sitting in the sauna, I closed my eyes and completely let go of my worldly concerns; no, I didn’t say “ommmm!”.  You crazy racists!

As usual, I got ready to leave at around 9pm and was looking forward to the 10 minute ride home; only to genuinely struggle to open the entry door due to the very strong winds outside!!!!!”.

“Wooooooooooooooo!” the winds howled; just like a couple of flaming queens prancing around London’s ‘Old Compton Street’ on a Friday night.

Believe me, there’s nothing quite like strong winds and heavy rain to humble a motorcyclist; I stepped outside, immediately felt the wind’s resistance as I began to walk and I quite honestly thought, “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”.

Do I park up the bike and walk? Yes, that’d be the sensible thing to do? No, I deactivated the alarm, popped the key into the ignition, started the bike up, and glanced to see if the thin trashy blonde girl who left the gym at the same time as me had been blown over 100 yards up the road?!

I figure that ‘blondie’ is around 7 stone (disgraceful!), and if she goes over, there’s no hope for me and my bike!

Somehow, she manages to stay upright; maybe it’s because she’s as thin as a knife and is naturally air resistant?  Perhaps my logic was flawed and it was a bad move basing my decision on whether to ride home or not on whether peroxide was going over?

My eventual decision?  “Bollocks to mother nature!”;  against my better judgement, I held in the clutch lever, selected first gear and off I went; somewhat gingerly down Purley Way, round the back of Five Ways and along Stafford Road.  I must have winced inwardly each time a gust caught my bike fairing and instinctively leaned the bike to compensate for the drag.

I thanked the great Donald Pleasence up in the sky that I only had a relatively short journey and arrived home soaked and beaten by the wind.  The picture below is posey I grant you (it’s mine after all!); but I think it shows the relief in my face that I had gotten home in one piece!?!

Best of all, the bike got a really good wash and blow dry free of charge!  Always a silver lining eh?  Boom boom……

Fuzzy/Grizzly man about town – THE look of 2011.