Wiffy

I find myself in an inherently negative mood this afternoon; and feel sufficiently angry about my ‘cup half empty’ mood to pour my soul out forthwith.

My morning kicked off to the tune of physiotherapy; a steady Bebop in 3/4 time, which upon reflection, was most definitely missing some serious horn factor.

Being pulled about and having various contraptions fitted to ones limbs is an altogether odd experience which you tend to just get on with, even if it involves standing on tip toes in front of a mirror.

What has annoyed me more is that I began the day feeling chuffed because I would be starting my treatment; I very much want to get back to ‘normal’ and rediscover the many simple freedoms that my life is without at the moment. Swimming being one of them.

An odd thing happened when I got back to my desk around lunchtime; our facilities department were searching around trying to find the source of a lingering bad odour somewhere around my department. A smell which can only be described as mutated cat sick.

Floor carpet tiles have been replaced, ceiling tiles lifted, air con vents inspected; so you can imagine my absolute HORROR when I found my cup hidden underneath my shelf which had a vast culture of bacteria in it….

The search party looked at me with the sharpest daggers and the offending ‘chunky monkey’ cup was promptly removed by a very disgruntled colleague.

Everyone around me laughed and I honestly felt like dying as the office environment descended into something akin to a medieval lynch mob who were itching to throw their rotten tomatoes.

In a brief second, I transcended from ‘Office Prankster Public Enemy No1’ to ‘that dirty bastard with the mug’. As someone who takes their personal cleanliness to OCD levels I quickly lost my cool, got uppity with people who took the piss which isn’t really ‘me’ at all.

I feel so embarassed; it’s a moment when you want the ground to open and swallow you up?

Now that I’ve vented a little I feel more of a prat than anything, I GENUINELY do not know how or when the mug found it’s way under the shelf, but I do know that I should have reacted a little generously, especially with it being my fault.

Oh to wind back the clocks.

If I care to be very honest, this day marks the fifth anniversary of my fathers passing, it is something I swore that I shall not observe because I think such things hold someone back.

Compared to that and all the other crap people put up with; well, it just made me feel a silly sod for reacting so immaturely; I eventually reasoned that I’ll just stick two fingers up at it all and get on with it as is normally my custom.

V <———Two fingered salute.

Poppas got a brand new peg

Just back from hospital; the consultant type chap says that I will make a full recovery after a course of physiotherapy lasting approximately 3 months. Very relieved to say the least.

My only slight gripe today was the delivery of the specialists diagnosis. Seriously now, how long can it take a medical practioner to tell you if things will be ok; or if you’ve screwed the pooch? Get to the point man!!!

Seems simple to me, compassionate simplicity first, sciency bit second and recovery plan third. Why do intellectuals struggle with basic people skills?

Still, things turned out nice again!?! Won’t be long before I’m back on the road; firmly on my bike rather than my arse!!!!

Mirror, signal, oh you fucking hit me you cunt!

Snow is falling, all around me, children playing, having fun……..but just where are the neglectful parents?  Bingo!?!?  Someone should call social services in I think?!?

Listening to “I Feel Free” by ‘Cream’ and watching a bit of frozen rain falling outside is probably a fairly obscure thing to be doing on a Tuesday evening; especially when you consider the infinite possibilities of the Universe and all that Showaddywaddy??

Ah ha, now the ‘Tales of Brave Ulysses’, “How his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing”………don’t I fucking know it?   Up and dahhhhhhn the main road they go, neeee nawww neee nawww, flipping old bill!!!  ::: shakes fist :::

Anyway, something very unexpected happened to me this afternoon; I found out that the chap who kindly fractured my ankle with his Skoda (and left me like a flid for Christmas) has admitted liability to his insurers.  Huzzah.  Fat lady fate has indeed smiled upon my confused skin pigmented face; I certainly didn’t see that coming!  I also found out that the George Foreman Grill knockoff that I bought from Sainsbury’s does rather nice sausages; scronch.

Mr Shitface’s admission of liability essentially means that my insurers can get my bike fixed back to it’s ‘new’ condition; the fact that he’s admitted being a naughty fucker means that I can also pursue a personal injury claim against his insurance. Ker-cockadoodle-ching.

Lets face it; the guy pretty much ruined 6 weeks of my life, cramped my style as well as my leg (gotta love a shit but topical cliche) and has potentially left me with a dodgy ankle needing physiotherapy or even an operation.  Why the hell shouldn’t I be compensated for the injuries that he bestowed upon my person; especially given that I paid my dues for the premium?

Touch wood that me bleedin’ ankle don’t give me jip eh?   My promising career in ballet is in tatters; the Bolshoi never saw me mince my trademark ‘Grand Plie’.  Oh the shame.  I imagine it’ll look more like a very bad ‘Dixon of Dock Green’ doing a drunken version of an “Evenin’ all!” curtsey now?!

I jest, I’m chuffed to bits with the insurance stuff and thinking positively about getting on with whatever comes next.  The only slightly unfortunately development this evening is that the freezing rain has turned into snow; and with 10 inches predicted over the next few days, I doubt I’ll make it to the hospital appointment tomorrow that would have shed some light on the true extent of my injuries and recovery period involved.  Bugger.  Still, you can’t have it all can you?  It’ll happen eventually though!

Right, it’s time to depart; I shall leave you all with a rather funny public information video from the 1960’s about safe motorcycling.  Until next time chums!

LOOK, SIGNAL, MANOEUVER

Starring

Alan as Tom
Kev as Tom’s naughty friend
Ray as Tom’s new friend.

Boxing Day bargain hunt

For Christmas this year I was given a nice wedge of Rupees and decided to take my regular trip to the Croydon sales; gammy leg in tow.

Now then, I expected the vast crowds; what I didn’t expect was that Croydon had turned into a bargain standoff between the entire local Indian community and a healthy chunk of it’s African counterparts.

You had to be there to believe it, my Asian bretheren used several family members to blockade everyone else whilst the matriarchs rifled through the bargains for their men; had I not waded in and reached over my five-foot-nothing ancestors I would have come away empty handed.

I managed to get two pukka coats, a couple of fine silk ties and a rather snazzy shirt; then rapidly left the Maelstrom that was Debenhams!

They’ll probably still be there right now; the whole thing felt like i was watching a cutting-floor reel of a Tarantino film that had stylishly spliced scenes from Zulu and Ghandi!

One thing I couldn’t work out though; where were all the honkeys?!?

Merry Antikrishmas

Merry Christmas one and all!  Ho ho ho and all that old chestnut.

I write this Christmas Day entry somewhat stuffed and in an empty house; My grandfather has had it away on his toes already and Mum has gone next door for a few tipples with the neighbours.

Today was always going to be a quiet affair with just the three of us here, Boxing Day (26th December for all my American fans out there) will involve my Sister Lorraine and her family coming over for dinner, and then the 27th will be more like the Christmas Day I remember as a kid with my brother Brian bringing his family up and Lorraine’s mob all coming up as well.

I shall enjoy the peace and quiet whilst it lasts……………

Mum made a sterling effort today, her roast dinner was absolutely top notch and thought I’d pop up a picture of her ‘slap in the face to third world poverty’ offering; especially considering that I only get one roast dinner out of her a year these days; I intend to savour the memory of it!

As you can see it’s a rather hefty arrangement of Roast Turkey, Roast Pork, Crackling, Pigs in Blankets (little sausages wrapped in bacon), cauliflour, sprouts, peas, roasted potatoes, stuffing and gravy!   And yes, I ate every single last piece!

I hope everyone out there has had a rather funky day with their family, friends or hookers; I shall leave you all with a picture showing what my face looks like after I’ve eaten such a meal.

Happy Yuletide chums.