Category Archives: Bits and Pieces

Surreal cinema story

I grabbed a Bruce Willis movie pack over the weekend and seeing that the film ‘Unbreakable’ was included, well, it reminded me of a rather silly and surreal prank of mine a few years ago.

Alex and I went to see the film ‘Unbreakable’ at Streatham Odeon in the year 2000, as usual we had been for a mooch around the shops beforehand and I had purchased a WW2 Mustang toy foam glider plane thingy that I used to collect as a kid from the toy shop.  I’m still prone to buying them now; you know the self-assembly ones which are about 50p? (piccy below).

Anyway, I decided that it’d be rather funny to throw it into the projector light during the trailers, purely because Streatham’s main screen had SUCH a high ceiling and it would go on for ages.  So that’s what I did.  I threw it.  Down with the system!

I can remember it in utterly vivid detail, slow motion.  The plane majestically flew down in a straight line, lit up by the projector light and then all of a sudden the trailer changed to ‘Pearl Harbour’.  It was fucking uncanny and I almost wet myself as the Mustang hurtled towards the screen to defend the harbour from the Mitsubishi Zero’s!  As it got closer the shadow began to get bigger on the screen and people began to notice.  God knows how I didn’t wet myself.

The real joke is that the prank was actually more historically accurate than the film ‘Pearl Harbour’; which was a big bag of Hollywood wank.

Toro Toro Toro!!!!!  AIeieieieieieieiieiei!  Oh, and I thought Unbreakable was shite too.

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Resident Evil 5 – Versus Mode

I’d have to say the only disappointing thing about my trip to New York was that it got in the way of my ambition to beat Resident Evil 5 on ‘professional’; the highest difficulty setting.

Up until last night I’d beaten the game on Amateur, Normal and Veteran modes with the help of my regularly-pissed-but-rather-gifted gamer chum Kieran (DILLIGAF on xbox live or Dills for short).  Now then, Dills is something of an xbox achievement points whore and with 75087 points in the bag at the time of writing, who could argue that he’s good at it?   I can honestly say that I’d never been bothered racking up the points until lately, but I was determined to break the back of the game as I had on all the previous installments in the series.

So, after a long Good Friday sesh, we finished professional (woohooo!) and I completed all the achievements in the game (each game on the xbox has a potential of 1000 points for you to grab); that was until Capcom decided to release a ‘versus mode’  for Resident Evil 5 which means I’ve got another few to go now!

For 400 Microsoft Points (the currency on xbox live – Around £4) you can purchase and unlock this feature in the game; I’ve always argued that it’s a shame they don’t either include this in the launch of the title, or provide it free of charge should it be developed later, but hey, we live in a capitalist wonderland so who am I kidding?   Again, out of principle I rarely purchase things like this, but I was really eager to see what Capcom had added to an already 10/10 game.  And I wasn’t disappointed.

The ‘versus mode’ is essentially an all out time attack mode, with a twist.  4 game modes mean you can either play alone killing 3 other human controlled players or partner up and try to work as a team against 2 other human players; all the while fending off a mixture of computer controlled enemies which upon elimination, extend the game’s duration by granting you a few seconds extra per kill.  It’s very fast paced and has a fantastic learning curve.  In short, it’s good fun and well worth investing in.

The best bit about this ‘versus’ mode is that you pick a character with a set inventory (you can find other items scattered around the battlefield) and it can really determine the way you play the game.  The game also features the ability to ‘unlock’ additional characters in exchange for experience points that you gain either playing any of the game modes including story mode.  So that’s what I did, I kept repeating chapter 6-2 on professional because I got it down to under 3 minutes each time, and you can gain 2,500 exp if you manage to finish it with a S rating; which to be fair is pretty simple if you have the unlimited ammo rocket launcher like yours truly!  FIRE IN THE HOLD!

It’s really worth unlocking all the characters (see gallery below), hopefully they’ll add a few more over time although not if they charge me pounds shillings and pence again!

Oh yes, and playing as Albert Wesker in his S.T.A.R.S. getup is like being in my own geek heaven, trust me folks.

Playable Characters in ‘Versus Mode’

  • Chris Redfield – BSAA
  • Chris Redfield – Safari
  • Chris Redfield – S.T.A.R.S.
  • Sheva Alomar – BSAA
  • Sheva Alomar – Clubbin’
  • Sheva Alomar – Tribal
  • Jill Valentine – BSAA
  • Jill Valentine – Battle suit
  • Albert Wesker – Midnight
  • Albert Wesker – S.T.A.R.S.

GALLERY

Big up and respect for Dilli “I ain’t buying it if it’s just you and me playing!” Gaf.

Prat a Minge-y

Hooray, it’s Monday and all that jazz!!!!!  Come on, scat with me now!  Skippedyboooooobobskweeeebowwdingding!  No, not that kind of scat!?!?!!  Dirty bitch…..

Anyway, having practically forced my colleague Hitesh to get the McDonalds breakfast muffins in today, I found myself fueled enough to plough on with my work until about 1pm when I eventually realised I was once again ‘Hank Marvin’ (starving).  Having considered that I’d had a rather naughty breakfast; I eventually decided to go and buy  some sushi from Pret a Manger in order to counterbalance all the MSG and saturated fat I’d consumed earlier.

Being a big lover of raw fish (Gollum Gollum!), I’m pretty much forced to go and get my kicks from Pret because they are the only reasonable supplier of sushi in Croydon (aside from perhaps Yo Sushi in House of Fraser, but I only get an hour for lunch and it’s too far to go).  The alternatives?  Boots the Chemist has crap soggy sushi, and don’t get me started on the crap that Somerfield used to sell!

I secretly don’t like Pret, at all.  In fact, I normally just run in there, grab my sushi and run back out again; purely so I don’t catch any of the percular social diseases that a vast majority of Pret’s patrons appear to be suffering from.  Thank god for headphones, it drowns out all the execs boasting about climbing K2 in their spare time, building wells in Africa and all the other name-dropping exercises which are seemingly said purely for effect rather than actually having been enjoyed by the individual; and are completely guaranteed to make me grind my teeth.

Regrettably, I couldn’t just rush in and out today because all the sushi sold out, which left me to consider some of the other products on offer.  Hmmmmmm.  Reluctantly, I started scanning the sandwiches on the shelves for something to scoff.   Here’s what I found:

KEVS BRIEF REVIEW OF PRET’S SANDWICHES

‘Italian Proscuitto on Artisan‘
I looked at this and immediately asked myself .  “Why don’t people make plain ham sandwiches anymore?”. This sorry excuse for a sandwich had more flowers and weeds in it than meat, or bread for that matter.  So I put it back down.

‘No-Bread winter falafel’
Confuddled, I was.  I was in fact so confused by the concept of this ‘meal’ that I almost stabbed myself with the cardboard container in frustration.  Suffice to say I reconsidered and moved on.

‘Herb chicken and rocket’
Lettuce clearly isn’t fashionable anymore is it kids?  Eruca Sativa, or ‘rocket’ as it’s commonly known is taking over sandwiches everywhere.  It’s the Stalin of sandwich garnish?  This sandwich would most likely suit a health conscious pregnant woman, who fancied a treat.

‘Dolphin-friendly tuna‘
This was the final straw.  Dolphin-friendly Tuna?  Just how friendly?  Do they all sit around sharing some quality Ghanja?  I stood with the container in my hands for sometime pondering what the unfriendly Tuna must be like?   Do people actually buy this product because Pret guarantee that Dolphins are not harmed in the catching of the Tuna.  What about the Tuna!!??!?!  DOES NOBODY CARE ABOUT THE TUNA!?!?!  HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT IN YOUR DOLPHIN-THEMED BEDROOM WHILST INNOCENT TUNA DIE!?!!? Hypocrites……..

So there you have it.  Nothing appealed, I buggered off and had a Kit-Kat instead. Ready to Eat?  Yes.  Ready to pay over the odds for a quantity of ponce in between two slices of bread?  No.

p.s. why do people always say the word croissant with a stupid French accent, in Croydon?  Am I meant to be impressed by how cultured you are?!?!!?!

He-man – Anglo Indian??!?

Hmmmmmmmm.  Why does Prince Adam suddenly get a slight tan when he changes into He-Man?  My theory is that I reckon he’s actually Anglo Indian.

It all fits.  Big strapping build, blonde hair and then ‘BANG’, sword gets waved about in a camp fashion, lightning all over the fucking place, a deep voice and a slight peanut tan appears out of nowhere along with really confused chameleon hair which can’t make up it’s mind if it’s dark brown or heading towards ginger.  Definately Anglo Indian.

Check out around 0:32 seconds for the tan change……

I also suspect Orko may be from Pakistan originally.  My sources tell me that he lost his legs in a freak freight train accident and eventually learned to levitate thanks to the power of his nag champas.

Cringer is just a cunt, and if he was in a bar fight I’d glass him (you’d have to use a crossbow or something with range if he was Battlecat though?)

Sorceress = TITS!

Street fighter 4 – Review

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Fucking yes!  I was lucky enough to get hold of a Japanese copy of Street Fighter 4 which is due out in the UK on the 20th February 2009; suffice to say that I am extremely chuffed.  Oh yes.

My love affair with the Street Fighter series goes back right to my Commodore 64 days with the first game which was nigh on impossible to beat, and then Street Fighter 2 which I became totally obsessed with at around 11 years old thanks to the MASSIVE arcade cabinets down in Selsey Bill.  As my parents threw wild BBQ’s for hundreds of cockneys, I smashed the utter shit out of whoever I could at SF2 (It still makes me cringe to think how determined I was to totally decimate a really mouthy Korean kid in an arcade located in Kansas, he was about 11 and I was 20.  Still beat him like a punk bitch).  As you can see, it brings out the competitive streak in me.

Oh how I remember bunking off of school and going up into the prototype arcade machine halls in Warren Street, London with a friend of mine and living on the edge.  “Hey mate, you got 50p?”.  “No, fuck off!”.  How I avoided getting stabbed by the usual scum that lurk around arcades I’l never know?  You could say that It was fate that I survived and mastered my Dragon Punch technique.  Sho-Ryu-Ken-Slag!

The much maligned third game was also a favourite of mine on the Sega Dreamcast (my favourite console of all time), it was pretty innovative with the parry and blocking system  and I’m glad to see so much of it’s influence went into the guts of Street Fighter 4.  I honestly never thought Capcom would make the game to be honest; and certainly not with the sheer class and utterly fantastic gameplay that they have relaunched the franchise with.

So how does it play?  It’s amazingly fluid, responsive, technical to a degree I’ve never experienced in a fighting game before and has such a familiar feel to it that you’d be forgiven for thinking it was the good old days again.  That is to say that it’s the first time i’ve probably grinned to the point my face hurts whilst playing a game (Resident Evil 5 came close…but) for at least a decade.  The designers seem to have also rolled back the years with the design of the characters and overall look, the animation is phenomenal and I love the manga look of the game.  Very lush.

I played the game on the ‘medium’ difficulty setting and quickly settled in playing with Ken, my chosen character.  Here’s a snippet of me beating up the Mexican Wrestler El Fuerte one handed, the other was holding the camera I assure you 🙂

ONE HANDED FUN ON A WEDNESDAY NIGHT

There are the usual power bars, revenge bars, SUPER bars, all of which allow you to trigger nasty counter moves and special attacks; usually followed with some funky animation.  As mentioned earlier the parry and block system responds instinctively, you won’t just be able to bash buttons and beat someone with your eyes closed on this game that’s for sure.  Overall, I’d have to say it’s the best fighting game I’ve ever played and that’s by a long way.  I can’t wait to try it out over the xbox live servers!

It wasn’t all plain sailing though I must admit.  I struggled a little against Guile with his flat top haircut and poxy Sonic Boom attacks, Sagat was an utter tosspot as usual with Tiger Uppercuts flailing all over the place, and when I finally reached the Boss character Seth, he spanked me all over the place which was great fun!  I was lucky enough to perfect him in the first round, he then regenerates and starts teleporting over the screen kicking ten bells out of you; probably why he’s the boss character?

I really loved his design though (he has a spinning ying/yang in his midrift), he reminded me so much of Street Fighter 3’s boss, Gill, and also the character Urien from that game too.  The SUPER move that Seth performs on you involves sucking you into his ying/yang, you going around like a washing machine and then spat out at speed right up onto the screen face first – see pic in the gallery).

The end fight was such a struggle that I couldn’t help but take some video as I completed the game; I was then greeted with the longest offensive list of credits you’ve probably ever seen (along with me sticking my fingers up at a couple of characters that pop up, and also a bit of obscene gesturing to the female characters).  So yes, I finished it.  Woohooo!!!

KENS ENDING

So, if you see me on xbox live, bring it on bitches!

perfect2

Screamer Radio

(This is a repost of  an entry that got “lost” in the recent move on Antikrish.)

I’m lucky enough (I think) to work from home.   I need a little bit of “noise” when I’m working as I miss out on the usual office chat and gossip.   Aww…shame 🙂  Anyway, I used to listen to Pandora with the funky Pandora’s Box by Daniel Mackey. Unfortunately it’s impossible to listen to the service now in the UK without using a proxy because of…well, have a look at part of an email that was sent to me from Pandora.

As you probably know, in July of 2007 we had to block usage of Pandora outside the U.S. because of the lack of a viable license structure for Internet radio streaming in other countries. It was a terrible day. We did however hold out some hope that a solution might exist for the UK, so we left it unblocked as we worked diligently with the rights organizations to negotiate an economically workable license fee. After over a year of trying, this has proved impossible. Both the PPL (which represents the record labels) and the MCPS/PRS Alliance (which represents music publishers) have demanded per track performance minima rates which are far too high to allow ad supported radio to operate and so, hugely disappointing and depressing to us as it is, we have to block the last territory outside of the US.

So I’m now using the teeny-tiny Screamer Radio.   It’s freeware, it isn’t a resource hog and it’s portable. Huzzah! Here’s a link to its features page.

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It’s certainly not the same as Pandora but it is good.  My favourite stations are Beatles-A-Rama!!! and Fun Radio France.   I think Beatles (A-Rama…and don’t forget the 3 exclamation marks!!!) is my favourite.   It has a good bit rate and the Walmart adverts are truly wonderfull

Go on…download it…you know you want to…

And I nearly forgot…you can also record the tracks you are listening to.  Here’s 1 I made earlier (Ho’okena – ‘Ulili E from the excellent HawaiianRainbow.com).