Category Archives: Editorials

Agents seize $500k of Marijuana in fake (cocks) carrots

Saw this on Sky News today; anyone else think the ‘fake’ carrots look more like dildos?

Cinema Seat Chaos – Alphanumeric Tomfuckery

I went to see ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ again last night (third time! Woohooo!!!) and it was fucking brilliant; however, going to a cinema is often a very angst and infuriating experience for me due to my obsessive compulsive disorders.

Frankly, I find the behaviour of people in cinemas to be largely idiotic and annoying; people applauding films like they’re in the United States (offensive), making ‘whoop whoop’ noises when the cinema certificate pops up (wankers) or having to listen to banal ‘facts’ sourced from Wikipedia is usually enough to make me go into ‘Yosemite Sam’ mode.

The idiosyncrasy that I find most annoying is watching stupid people bumble about looking for a seat.

You must know the kind of cunt sticks I mean? The silly pricks who aimlessly walk around using a mobile phone as a pathetic makeshift torch so that they can identify the row letter.

Here’s a clue fuckers! It’s an alphanumeric system!!! The front row is always ‘A’, so you consider the alphabet sequence as you walk up through the rows until you find your letter and then walk in to find the seat number. It’s EASY!

There’s even a fucking plan on the outside of most cinema screens so you can identify your seating location before you go through the door! But oh no! It’s the most complicated thing in the word for some imbeciles!??

What is wrong with these people???

I’ve actually been approached by one or two confused seat-hunters who have stared at me point blank, looking accusingly like I’m in the wrong seat before they eventually realise and go off and annoy someone else before eventually finding their place after five or so minutes?!!

Use your fucking eyes and brain, you utter bank of wank!

Such people should only be allowed in the cinema when accompanied by a responsible and clear thinking adult.

Roll the credits.

North Korean Hydrogen Bomb? Nope……

Breaking news. American scientists find cause of unusual North Korean seismic activity is NOT due to claimed hydrogen bomb test, but is in fact because Kim Jong-Un fell over.

Multiples!

“Can’t believe you’re going to see Star wars again!”. Said by practically every woman I know lately and most of them have all seen Pretty Woman, Dirty Dancing and Bridget Jones more times than they’ve had periods!

Adieu Limes Road Studios

The Beatles had ‘Abbey Road’, Lynyrd Skynyrd had ‘Muscle Shoals’, ‘Cook’ (Antikrish music) had Limes Road studios in Croydon.

I enjoyed the most creative period of my life at 31A Limes Road because it was where we bashed out all of our nonsensical lyrics and cacophonic jams; such masterpieces as ‘Plastic Leg Blues’, ‘I Don’t Want No Messy Sex With You Momma’ and ‘You Stink!’ were all conceived, splanged and recorded here in Alex’s personal studio during the Nineties and Noughties.

Alex’s upstairs flat was something of a second home to me, so I was rather sad to see it go. It’s an odd notion to have, being denied access to a property you have an attachment to and also knowing that you’ll likely never see the interior of it again?

Perhaps that’s laying it on a bit too thick, but you all should know how nostalgic I can be?

So, I decided to go for a walk and take a few last pictures of the place before some fucker paints it with salmon pink emulsion.

Yes, I’m a secret Victorian property stalker.

All things must pass. Innit.

Brian (Basil) Bunker – A Tribute.

I am really sad to learn that my former teacher and form tutor, Brian Bunker, passed away earlier this year.

At Carshalton High School For Boys, Mr. Bunker was notorious for his great eccentricity and had multiple idiosyncrasies that made him simply unforgettable; to most boys at school, he was ‘Basil Bunker The Biscuit Cruncher’ due to his almost hollistic dependancy on Lincoln biscuits and his belief that they helped his dodgy stomach. He often poked and proded his stomach when he was talking to you.

To me, Mr. Bunker was the last bastion of school teachers who believed in strict discipline and commanded respect whilst in the classroom; indeed, he was like a living relic from a different age of schooling, the old schoolmasters who believed in caning unruly oiks and grabbing rude pupils by the scruff of the neck.

Basil Bunker, as he preferred to be known, mainly taught English and History, but often gave us random lessons in Latin; even though I went to a scabby old secondary modern school and Latin wasn’t on the curriculum.

He was one of the only people I ever willingly addressed as Sir and I absolutely idolised him because he would spend so much time mentoring me with my studies and I eventually came to consider him a good friend and confident; I will never forget how much he lectured me in Wallington High Street one afternoon when I bumped into him, he was disgusted that I’d pursued a Business Studies degree rather than English Literature.

Given the existence of my blog and my love of writing, I have come to the conclusion that he was right and my decision to ignore his recommendation of doing an English degree remains one of the few regrets that I have in life.

That said, it’s never too late! Maybe I’ll do him proud one day!?!

I shall remember him for many reasons (how I cursed him during cross country!), but most of all for being the man who inspired me more than any other during my academic years.

Rest In Peace Sir.

A shrubbery!!!!

Today I planted my first ever shrubs! Oh and a lanky Jasmine floozy!

Will see how they go!

Diwali.

Got asked today if I celebrate Diwali??

Yeah…..once a year, I love a cheeky cockney walk down the Ganges, have a paratha and light up a few candles, innit!!!

Robert Re-Plant-er

My company decided to get rid of their old plants and introduce new ones into our office; rather generously, they offered them to the staff.

So, I had a look and quickly deduced that I could cold repot the strongest o
f the remaining plants and then try to breathe new life into the planters.

So at 6am, I loaded my car up and made 2 trips back to the house! Almost killed me lugging it all around!!!!!!! Here are the spoils!

The planters are actually plastic, so I drilled drainage holes in the bottom, added soil, various bulbs for next year along with some Autumnal plants and flowers which already seem to be doing ok thanks to mild weather!

Thanks to assistant gardener Cheeks

Madam Tussauds London – Star Wars

I made my first ever visit to Madam Tussauds on Friday the 16th of October, 2015. It was rather good!

I quite enjoyed seeing the wax doppelgangers of Bobby Moore, Jimi Hendrix and Nelson Mandela.

It was a shame though that everyone queued to have their photos taken with Barrack Obama, while Winston Churchill stood somewhat neglected until I stood by to admire him.

There was also my chance meeting with Ghandi; I’m clearly the taller Indian and have a better barnet of hair.

I rather enjoyed the figures of history ad well, particularly Albert Einstein and a very unexpected surprise of seeing Dr Stephen Hawking; wish you could have made his computer talk…..guess they didn’t have that in the budget?

The main reason for my visit was to see the Star Wars section, if you are a fan, you simply have to go and have your picture taken with various characters.

Such as:

Perving Leia in her slave costume