I quite admire nudists; not quite sure I’ll ever become so enlightened/nonchalant/comfortable about my body that I’ll willingly display my tackle to strangers (apart from the occasional bit of flashing down my local park).

It seems a very natural pursuit doesn’t it?  Nudism?  Whip off your clothes, walk along with your soul mate, let it all hang out and leave the clothed beach goers to question why they are ones who are covered up?

For a moment, in the 30oC heat, I actually considered that I would be more happy in the buff; the nude types happily strolled along the beautiful white sandy beach without a care in the world.

It was just a moment……

For the sake of humanity, I won’t describe what the trademark Fuerteventuran breeze did to 65 year old Bavarian pancake tit nipples!!!

One thing I DID notice, was that the majority of beach nudists were NOT strolling in the surf or skinny dipping as you’d expect; instead, they are doing the most odd things imaginable.

One over-tanned German wrinkly was digging a trench in the sand with a shovel (a garden shovel!!  Not a novelty bucket and spade effort); it almost seemed like he’d dehydrated, drank his own urine and gone stark raving mad, rather than just starkers?

A couple indulged their naked tennis fetish (clearly for naked bit wobbling exhibitionism) whilst another man flew a kite?!?

Then there was the naked rambler who power walked along with his partner; he was outfitted with a backpack and a kind of customised t-shirt on his shoulders but not a stitch elsewhere!  Not sure that will catch on with the execs back in Croydon?

As for nude swimming, the prize for the most amusing specimen went to a particularly butch German woman (I use the term woman very loosely) who was deliriously jumping around in the waves like she’d smoked Crystal meth.

It was like seeing a hairless albino gorilla do a spazzy dance every time ‘her’ skin came into contact with the cold sea water?  Some kind of imaginary water shot putting perhaps?

It’s amazing how quickly you can become comfortable around naked people though?

It probably explained how Hans, Klaus and Fritz were all able to sit together and put the World to rights in deep conversation; clearly not minding that their tanned tadgers were in view the entire time?

Perhaps then, it was only fitting that I arrived to the hotel dining hall upon my return from the beach, to find that today’s regional choice was barbecued German sausage?

Just don’t make eye contact whilst you eat one?   It’s the wurst thing you can do!!!