Author Archives: Antikrish

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About Antikrish

For answers to all the questions you didn't know you had! www.antikrish.com

Back on the road

Howdy folks.  Hope you’re all doing well and all that old chestnut!!

Today was my first day back on the bike following my accident back on Easter Sunday; debris from a previous accident left on the road caused my bike to slip out and into the oncoming lane.  I had to volantarily crash the bike to the left to stop going through the windscreen of an oncoming VW Passat, and it almost worked too!!!  That was until the driver clipped the front of the bike which resulted in me being catapulted down the road at speed on my back.  Thankfully I was wearing my leather jacket, or I could have been bad to the bone, literally.

I’ve spent the last 2 weeks or so rather sombrely, my knee was pretty swollen and grazed up (it’s still slightly swollen now) and I cracked my upper rib which made breathing/laughing/sneezing rather painful.  Add to that my left shoulder blade hurt like a bastard everytime I moved, well you get the picture.  I can’t ever remember being so fearful of pollen just in case I might sneeze!   I do count myself rather lucky to have sustained only the minor injuries that I walked away with.  Yet I immediately felt pretty angry that the roads are in such a disgraceful condition given that we all pay our dues and blah blah woof woof.  Gordon Brown you swine!

Thanks to Kent Countil (my bike was hit in Westerham village on the A25) my bike took a fair bit of damage, the radiator bent back in an amusing shape, the bodywork and lamp units practically exploded along with my windscreen.  So I’ve been fixing all that up with the help of my mate Alan who popped over a couple of times last week to straighten out my front forks and steering, and the ever trusty Ray who has been on emergency 24/7 callout.  Had it not been for these two chaps I’d still be around the garage scratching my head with a spanner, looking at a schematic and wondering how the doobrey goes to the thimgamay.

I managed to source most of my parts through the official Aprilia dealership ‘Inmoto’ which is near where Baldie lives, I’d heartily recommend them; especially because I managed to blag a trade discount out of them for all my stuff.  Hyuk hyuk, how Joe Daki am I?!?  The rest of my bits, well, I bought them second hand off of e bay and they were tarted up by Ray “I can do anything with a wet rag and spraycan” Bush.  See piccies below, the man is a genius.

Big thanks to all my wellwishers, and of course many, many thanks to both Alan and Ray for getting me back on the road. Brrrrrm Brrrrmm Brrrrrrm. Still don’t know what to do with my fluffy dice though?  Anyone got any suggestions?

Resident Evil 5 – Versus Mode

I’d have to say the only disappointing thing about my trip to New York was that it got in the way of my ambition to beat Resident Evil 5 on ‘professional’; the highest difficulty setting.

Up until last night I’d beaten the game on Amateur, Normal and Veteran modes with the help of my regularly-pissed-but-rather-gifted gamer chum Kieran (DILLIGAF on xbox live or Dills for short).  Now then, Dills is something of an xbox achievement points whore and with 75087 points in the bag at the time of writing, who could argue that he’s good at it?   I can honestly say that I’d never been bothered racking up the points until lately, but I was determined to break the back of the game as I had on all the previous installments in the series.

So, after a long Good Friday sesh, we finished professional (woohooo!) and I completed all the achievements in the game (each game on the xbox has a potential of 1000 points for you to grab); that was until Capcom decided to release a ‘versus mode’  for Resident Evil 5 which means I’ve got another few to go now!

For 400 Microsoft Points (the currency on xbox live – Around £4) you can purchase and unlock this feature in the game; I’ve always argued that it’s a shame they don’t either include this in the launch of the title, or provide it free of charge should it be developed later, but hey, we live in a capitalist wonderland so who am I kidding?   Again, out of principle I rarely purchase things like this, but I was really eager to see what Capcom had added to an already 10/10 game.  And I wasn’t disappointed.

The ‘versus mode’ is essentially an all out time attack mode, with a twist.  4 game modes mean you can either play alone killing 3 other human controlled players or partner up and try to work as a team against 2 other human players; all the while fending off a mixture of computer controlled enemies which upon elimination, extend the game’s duration by granting you a few seconds extra per kill.  It’s very fast paced and has a fantastic learning curve.  In short, it’s good fun and well worth investing in.

The best bit about this ‘versus’ mode is that you pick a character with a set inventory (you can find other items scattered around the battlefield) and it can really determine the way you play the game.  The game also features the ability to ‘unlock’ additional characters in exchange for experience points that you gain either playing any of the game modes including story mode.  So that’s what I did, I kept repeating chapter 6-2 on professional because I got it down to under 3 minutes each time, and you can gain 2,500 exp if you manage to finish it with a S rating; which to be fair is pretty simple if you have the unlimited ammo rocket launcher like yours truly!  FIRE IN THE HOLD!

It’s really worth unlocking all the characters (see gallery below), hopefully they’ll add a few more over time although not if they charge me pounds shillings and pence again!

Oh yes, and playing as Albert Wesker in his S.T.A.R.S. getup is like being in my own geek heaven, trust me folks.

Playable Characters in ‘Versus Mode’

  • Chris Redfield – BSAA
  • Chris Redfield – Safari
  • Chris Redfield – S.T.A.R.S.
  • Sheva Alomar – BSAA
  • Sheva Alomar – Clubbin’
  • Sheva Alomar – Tribal
  • Jill Valentine – BSAA
  • Jill Valentine – Battle suit
  • Albert Wesker – Midnight
  • Albert Wesker – S.T.A.R.S.

GALLERY

Big up and respect for Dilli “I ain’t buying it if it’s just you and me playing!” Gaf.

Arrogance and it’s borders

I had a very brief conversation today with a friend of mine and I thought I’d take this opportunity to blow my own trumpet regarding a reasonably witty reply I came up with off the cuff. Well, you’ve got to sometimes haven’t you?

Friend – “Confidence is an attractive quality, arrogance is not”.
Kev – “I personally live by the moto ‘be damned for what you are, and anyone who doesn’t like it can go grow their own tomatoes’.”
Friend – “Wouldn’t you say that borders on arrogance?”
Kev – “I wouldn’t know, I was never any good at geography”.

Ahem……

tumbleweed

Kev’s trip to NYC

Hmmmmmm, I still feel too lathargic to write about my trip to NYC…..Oh, OK. I’ll do it. Blimey. Suffice to say that it was good, the weather was reasonably pleasant (aside from mid afternoon/evening fog, which is why we didn’t go up the Empire State or go on the Statue of Liberty tour) and I was genuinely shocked by how incredibly warm and friendly New Yorkers were! I feel slightly ashamed that I had created a stereotype over the years that the average New Yorker was rather brash and rude compared to the Midwestern Americans that I am more familiar with. I was wrong, and for that I apologise New Yorkers.

From the extremely polite and friendly ‘foreign’ cab drivers, to the Manchester United fan I found who owned a hot dog stand on Columbus Avenue (said chap gave me the biggest hug and had my pic taken with him when I told him I was a supporter); I can honestly say that I was genuinely humbled by the warm reception my sister and I got whilst visiting such a funky city. I use the term ‘foreign’ in very loose terms because I find it rather ironic that Americans can consider anyone else immigrants? But I digress.

My favourite place? Would definately have to be central park; I could only describe it as a veritable oasis within the maestrom of madness which makes up midtown Manhattan. Central Park was my only real ‘to-do’ list choice whilst I guided Lorraine around her shopping expedition, I really wanted to find the John Lennon Strawberry Fields memorial within the park in order to reflect upon a man whose life greatly inspired my own. So that was my first order of business on our first day there. The New York City ‘grid’ system is so easy to follow, and we quickly found the memorial site; Strawberry Fields is just a little area within the park with benches all centered around an ‘Imagine’ floor mosaic. I sat there for a sometime and enjoyed the surroundings, and I can only describe it as utterly serene place to go. Spookily so.

The park itself is bustling with joggers (clearly people who regularly exercise), TONS of very well trained dogs and their owners who apparently go to eventually congregate in a corner of the park which offers obedience lessons on a Saturday morning. Central Park also has the most incredible varied wild collection of birds I think I’ve ever seen within a city; their collective singing and chirping totally drowned out everything outside the green boundaries.

The hotel we stayed at was funky too. I was lucky enough to get a good deal through Expedia and stayed at the Hilton on 6th Avenue, it’s situated right next to the park and is ideal if anyone wants to experience a slightly alternative journey through the park it into the outskirts of Harlem like we did; I will definately be spending more time there during my next visit for sure. Harlem had such character with it’s old town architecture. The smell of soul food tempted me but alas we didn’t have time, Harlem definately had such a vibe about it though!

After a visit to the UGG store on Columbus Ave we refuelled at a Deli nearby (you HAVE to visit a deli and experience a turkey and bacon club sandwich!) and after that, eventually toodled up to 150W 54th street which is where you can visit Macy’s; the biggest store in the world (A whole city block and 9 floors!!!!) We went back 3 times because it had so many bargains. I also bought my bike jacket across the street so I’d definately recommend any visitor to NYC to pop in for a mooch. Top tip for tourists visiting Macy’s, pop upstairs for an 11% off coupon!

Keeping with the inner city theme we also popped to Times Square which was phenomenal. Bright lights, lots of noise and how could I forget the exceptionally offensive ‘M&M world’ stuffed in the corner. It is all perhaps too much visual and audio stimulation for one person; but it’s an experience I don’t think you should pass up if you want to see capitalism personfied. I thought it particularly intriguing that the HUGE Virgin Megastore on Times Square closed down for good on the day that we visited, it was really bizarre to see it all gutted out with even the shop fixings up for sale to the highest bidder.

It was with sadness that we checked out of the Hilton on Sunday to get a ride to the Holiday Inn over by Newark airport. The Hilton had such a gorgeous room but I decided it would be best to do this so as to avoid the 60 minute journey before our flight if had instead stayed downtown in Manhattan and gone to the airport from there instead. I didn’t want to take the chance with the city traffic, and when I say traffic, I fucking mean it. It’s HEAVY. That Sunday night a powerful storm swept America and lots of airlines suffered cancellations, we did make it home just fine the following day; however I am not sure how the journey would have been had we not stayed close to the aiport. It was meant to be!

So NYC gets a huge thumbs up from me. Obviously anyone in the UK should ideally wait for a better exchange rate before going over, once you do you’ll be spoilt for things to do and bargains to be had!!!!!

Prat a Minge-y

Hooray, it’s Monday and all that jazz!!!!!  Come on, scat with me now!  Skippedyboooooobobskweeeebowwdingding!  No, not that kind of scat!?!?!!  Dirty bitch…..

Anyway, having practically forced my colleague Hitesh to get the McDonalds breakfast muffins in today, I found myself fueled enough to plough on with my work until about 1pm when I eventually realised I was once again ‘Hank Marvin’ (starving).  Having considered that I’d had a rather naughty breakfast; I eventually decided to go and buy  some sushi from Pret a Manger in order to counterbalance all the MSG and saturated fat I’d consumed earlier.

Being a big lover of raw fish (Gollum Gollum!), I’m pretty much forced to go and get my kicks from Pret because they are the only reasonable supplier of sushi in Croydon (aside from perhaps Yo Sushi in House of Fraser, but I only get an hour for lunch and it’s too far to go).  The alternatives?  Boots the Chemist has crap soggy sushi, and don’t get me started on the crap that Somerfield used to sell!

I secretly don’t like Pret, at all.  In fact, I normally just run in there, grab my sushi and run back out again; purely so I don’t catch any of the percular social diseases that a vast majority of Pret’s patrons appear to be suffering from.  Thank god for headphones, it drowns out all the execs boasting about climbing K2 in their spare time, building wells in Africa and all the other name-dropping exercises which are seemingly said purely for effect rather than actually having been enjoyed by the individual; and are completely guaranteed to make me grind my teeth.

Regrettably, I couldn’t just rush in and out today because all the sushi sold out, which left me to consider some of the other products on offer.  Hmmmmmm.  Reluctantly, I started scanning the sandwiches on the shelves for something to scoff.   Here’s what I found:

KEVS BRIEF REVIEW OF PRET’S SANDWICHES

‘Italian Proscuitto on Artisan‘
I looked at this and immediately asked myself .  “Why don’t people make plain ham sandwiches anymore?”. This sorry excuse for a sandwich had more flowers and weeds in it than meat, or bread for that matter.  So I put it back down.

‘No-Bread winter falafel’
Confuddled, I was.  I was in fact so confused by the concept of this ‘meal’ that I almost stabbed myself with the cardboard container in frustration.  Suffice to say I reconsidered and moved on.

‘Herb chicken and rocket’
Lettuce clearly isn’t fashionable anymore is it kids?  Eruca Sativa, or ‘rocket’ as it’s commonly known is taking over sandwiches everywhere.  It’s the Stalin of sandwich garnish?  This sandwich would most likely suit a health conscious pregnant woman, who fancied a treat.

‘Dolphin-friendly tuna‘
This was the final straw.  Dolphin-friendly Tuna?  Just how friendly?  Do they all sit around sharing some quality Ghanja?  I stood with the container in my hands for sometime pondering what the unfriendly Tuna must be like?   Do people actually buy this product because Pret guarantee that Dolphins are not harmed in the catching of the Tuna.  What about the Tuna!!??!?!  DOES NOBODY CARE ABOUT THE TUNA!?!?!  HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT IN YOUR DOLPHIN-THEMED BEDROOM WHILST INNOCENT TUNA DIE!?!!? Hypocrites……..

So there you have it.  Nothing appealed, I buggered off and had a Kit-Kat instead. Ready to Eat?  Yes.  Ready to pay over the odds for a quantity of ponce in between two slices of bread?  No.

p.s. why do people always say the word croissant with a stupid French accent, in Croydon?  Am I meant to be impressed by how cultured you are?!?!!?!

Ghandi

The auction sale of Ghandi’s personal effects for $1.8m smacked of such fantastic irony that I simply had to say something on it.

If you could define that irony, I imagine it’d be something similar to a woman who secretly desired to be a glamour model, but her prize pair of knockers were on her back instead of her chest. Sexy hunchback?

I have a great admiration for some of Ghandi’s views and how he lived his life; and considering how he generally shunned materialism, I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of dozens of portly Indian businessmen fighting over a pair of fishbowl lens glasses and knackered old leather sandels?

Please don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the symbolism that the glasses carry, in that Ghandi suggested they gave him the inspiration to liberate India, but if by some freak of luck Alex and I became deified ‘Bill and Ted’ style, would the glasses we wore when writing “I don’t want no messy sex with you Momma’ become feverishly sought after relics?

Who can say?!? One thing is for sure, whoever spent a million quid buying a pair of knackered old glasses should have gone to Spaccasavers.

Kev’s first trip to Brighton by motorbike

Blimey, I ache, but what an adventure!

I set off at around 8:30am this morning to meet my friend Simon (work colleague) by the roadside cafe in Coulsdon. The plan: to scoff breakfast before we began heading down to Brighton together; alas, Simon text to say he was sick and not up for going, git. So I finished up my bacon sandwiches and headed off into the unknown (or Godstone) to meet my mate (and boss) Alan and his acquaintance Scott to begin our journey down to Brighton together.

Now, let me be perfectly frank, since passing my CBT earlier in the week I’ve done a few miles locally in and around Croydon/Sutton which was great fun; however the idea of riding 40 odd miles to Brighton and then back again was rather daunting to say the least. In fact, I was cacking myself at the prospect of having to keep up with two very experienced riders AND tackle just about every car/bike/soapbox racer from here to the seafront.

One thing I thought was really cool, was that other bike owners nod their head to you in a mark of respect; I really digged the camaraderie.

Learners like myself are not permitted to travel on the motorways, and although I was initially disappointed by this when I found out, I quickly changed my mind given that I realised you’d miss all the funky ‘A’ and ‘B’ roads that have so much to see compared to going on generic looking motorways. On the way down we passed through some really lovely country towns and villages including one of Alex’s favourites, Lewes, before eventually making it to the coast at around lunchtime. On a bike you feel so amazingly aware of your surroundings that you can’t help feel slightly relaxed when you pass through a gorgeous old town with lots of character after coming out of stressful London and it’s suburbs.

You probably know the sort of places I mean? A quintessential English village, frozen in time, with a token old man passing by the solitary convenience shop, walking his jack russell dog on the way to the pub for some pork scratchings? Had there been Morris dancers poncing about next to a game of cricket on the village green it would have been perfect. In fact, had this been the case then I probably would have impaled the Morris dancers with the spare set of stumps and sat watching the cricket instead of going any further.

Upon entering Brighton I felt a wave of pride as I saw the sea (ding ding ding ding, another pun!); it’s a bizarre thing really because I never expected it to matter in such a way because as far as I’m usually concerned it’s just going from one place to another (I can be a bit black and white like that, no pun intended). But in reality it felt like I’d really accomplished something today having not ended up in a tree like Marc Bolan; if you don’t know who he is, leave my blog now and never return!

The three of us parked up, had lunch (I had fresh cod and chips which was fantastic, cheers Scott!) and after a seafront stroll we headed back to London. It was bloody cold down there though, and even with three layers on including my jacket I felt chilled to the bone. So off we went again……that was until my right throttle housing decided to come lose, and considering that’s the bit you hold on to/make the bike go brrrm brrrm brrrm, probably not the best thing to fail on a bike going around a corner at 60mph. Goodbye testicles!

Luckily, I pulled over by a Kwik fit and the guy there tightened it up for me using an allen key (really nice chap, no charge) and off I went again……for about 2 miles when I broke down again. This time due to a lack of power (eventually found out it was because of a dodgy fuel tank supply tap). Bugger! I thought I was cursed, perhaps I’d been too elated at having made it down there in one piece and now I was now going to have to suffer the humiliation of being recovered back home. Worst still, my roadside policy is through work. Can you imagine the stick I’d have gotten from people in my office!?!?! I work with former army engineers and grease monkeys for gods sakes. I’d have had to give my notice in, no two ways about it. I’d rather french kiss Amy Winehouse after she’s smoked 20 Bensons than be recovered back home.

Luckily, Alan did a bit of a roadside tinkering and after a couple of road tests (and 2 more breakdowns) my bike was broken no more, and, after seeing my companions go their own way, I hammered it all the way home in time for tea and crumpets. My bike had never been better in fact and I’m happy to report it’s happily parked up in my garage whilst I sit here with my feet up and have a blanket over my legs keeping them warm. Rock and roll?

I had to post this picture, it’s at the point I’d taken my crash helmet off and was shaking my hair which hasn’t been cut for a month. Just in case you wanted to see firsthand the Anglo-Indian hair curse that I have to carry. Now, where’s the rum gone?

brightontrip01

Kev passes his CBT!

I have successfully completed my Compulsory Bike Test (CBT) and can now officially ride my bike, woohoo!

It really was good fun doing the required two hour road test in and around Wimbledon town centre; upon reflection the whole experience felt a total contrast to how isolated and uncomfortable I felt when doing the dozen or so car driving lessons all those years ago. Riding a bike felt good, and as much as it’s probably a cliche, I really felt the adrenaline begin to course through my veins as I zippped along at 30 miles per hour.

30 Mph might not sound all that fast, but at that speed the wind begins to howl against your body and you silently thank yourself for not choosing to wear the big MC Hammer style pantaloons which you have in storage from the 80’s, instead choosing to opt for the sensible pair of jeans.

Anyway, I’m glad I can finally dig the bike out of the garage and get out and about on the highway of desire (apologies, I couldn’t help but coin that pun after thinking Jimi Hendrix’s track ‘Ezy Rider’ in my head as I took off the silly ‘twat in training’ reflective bib that you have to wear).

You mark my words, I’ll be doing Steve McQueen style jumps over Nazi borders before you know it.  Take that kaiser you square headed ras claat!

These garments should NOT be considered sensible bikewear
mc_hammer

He-man – Anglo Indian??!?

Hmmmmmmmm.  Why does Prince Adam suddenly get a slight tan when he changes into He-Man?  My theory is that I reckon he’s actually Anglo Indian.

It all fits.  Big strapping build, blonde hair and then ‘BANG’, sword gets waved about in a camp fashion, lightning all over the fucking place, a deep voice and a slight peanut tan appears out of nowhere along with really confused chameleon hair which can’t make up it’s mind if it’s dark brown or heading towards ginger.  Definately Anglo Indian.

Check out around 0:32 seconds for the tan change……

I also suspect Orko may be from Pakistan originally.  My sources tell me that he lost his legs in a freak freight train accident and eventually learned to levitate thanks to the power of his nag champas.

Cringer is just a cunt, and if he was in a bar fight I’d glass him (you’d have to use a crossbow or something with range if he was Battlecat though?)

Sorceress = TITS!