Author Archives: Antikrish

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About Antikrish

For answers to all the questions you didn't know you had! www.antikrish.com

Sir Alex Ferguson Retires

I woke today to the raging news that Manchester United were due to make a big announcement at the weekend; regardless of their best laid plans, the resulting media furore prematurely brought forward the statement that Sir Alex Ferguson would step down in the Summer:

Step down in the Summer; a slightly amusing turn of phrase given that he’s due to have a hip replacement in the near future?

The news genuinely made my heart sink; it’s honestly like losing a head of state or monarch because Fergie has become such a living legend at Old Trafford.

In my humble opinion, Sir Alex is the most successful British football manager in history; debate will obviously go on about that subject for years to come, but who can honestly argue with 36 trophies in 26 years?  Mindblowing.

Sir Alex Ferguson’s record at United and list of trophies won.

Played: 1604

Won: 965

Drawn: 360

Lost: 279

Premier League: 1993, 1994, 1996, 1997, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2003, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2011, 2013

FA Cup: 1990, 1994, 1996, 1999, 2004

League Cup: 1992, 2006, 2009, 2010

Uefa Champions League: 1999, 2008

Fifa Club World Cup: 2008

Uefa Super Cup: 1992

Uefa Cup Winners Cup: 1991

Inter-Continental Cup: 1999

FA Charity/Community Shield: 1990 (shared), 1993, 1994, 1996, 1997, 2003, 2007, 2008, 2010, 2011.

Dad and I regularly trawled around the country in the late eighties and throughout the nineties, following Manchester United whenever we could; we saw first-hand how Fergie worked his magic each year and rebuilt the squad time after time.

I was extremely lucky to meet Sir Alex when Dad and I blagged our way into the foyer at Queens Park Rangers and I spent what seemed an age talking to Sir Alex me about the game and key players at the time.  I was only a nipper and will always treasure that memory, along with the signed match programme that I have!

What now for the future of Manchester United?

Simply.

We’ll never die, we’ll never die
We’ll never die, we’ll never die
We’ll keep the Red flag flying high
‘Cos Man United will never die

The return of Sid – Supertramp

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Stop the press!!!!

Sid, the intriguing homeless man who lives opposite my office,  appears to have returned to his patch and rebuilt his shack.

Perhaps he watched ‘Batman Begins’ and was inspired by how Bruce Wayne decided to rebuild Wayne Manor after it burnt to the ground; could Croydon have its own superhero?!?

I had resigned myself to the idea that Sid had fled from Croydon after the fire a few months ago; so I was somewhat surprised and heartened to see him scrambling over the back fence with a shopping trolley???

Wonder if he’ll get a blue rinse and a bingo membership to complete his alter ego cover?

Maud Violet –  Mild mannered bag lady? 

Anyway!   Welcome back,  El Cid!

Boston Marathon Bombings – Four Lions or Homeland?

I knew something wasn’t right when I received a telephone call out of the blue from my mate David last night; blokes normally text each other rather than call don’t they?! 

Until that moment, I had been completely unaware of the Boston Marathon Bombings, instead watching an episode of ‘Grimm’ via my PS3.    

Dave had been watching Sky Sports News that evening (as usual), so I popped the channel on to see what was going on; it was extremely surreal watching a global news piece break on SSN, but they seemed to have a far more detailed coverage than BBC news?

The scenes were truly horrific, I immediately felt an awful pit in my stomach when I saw the injured people laying on the pavements and could not help at drawing a comparisson to the film ‘Four Lions’ in which suicide bombers target the ‘London Marathon’ (scarily, the London Marathon is due to go ahead this weekend). 

‘Four Lions’ is one of my favourite films (pretty much anything by Chris Morris is) because it ‘dared to tread where others feared to’ regarding a ‘home-grown’ suicide bombing attack on London and the stereotypes that surround all things Muslim.

The London Bombings on the 7th of July, 2005 (anyone else find the 7/7 reference offensive?) were unthinkable; so why has this been allowed to happen again?

The plot of ‘Four Lions’ always seemed uncomfortably plausible; I sincerely hope that whoever carried out this cowardly act will not have been inspired by it?  I imagine the media bandwagon will start chugging along soon enough about this particular parallel……….

I can already picture the Daily Mail running a story entitled ‘Boston Marathon Bombers ‘Like’ Four Lions Facebook Page’ or something simiilar?

Either that or they will highlight a link to the TV series ‘Homeland’?  Maybe the culprit isn’t a “bearded dude in a sheet” after all, but a Sergeant Brody wannabe?

Regardless, those affected are in my thoughts; may there be unconditional support for them and their families, justice will find those involved sooner or later!

 

Shortbread Easter Penis

I personally think the story of Jesus’s resurrection over Easter is the original cock and bull story; Sam Kinison parodied the whole thing perfectly with his ‘Zombie Christ’ skit, so I will refrain from adding my own jokes on this one!

It is also a tradition to bake foodstuffs over Easter; quite what that has to do with coming back from the dead I don’t know??  

Saying that, I’ve been rescued from a hangover ‘death’ by a full English breakfast before when I’ve been half baked.  Maybe that’s where it comes from?

I loved baking as a kid,  so I thought I’d indulge in a spot over the weekend; Waitrose do a fun ‘ready dough’ range in their baking section,  so I grabbed the ‘shortbread biscuit starfish’ set for £2. 

Yes, I know it’s cheating,  but bite me?

After making a dozen or so starfish,  I decided to make an Easter Penis using the leftover dough and icing.  

Here’s the result!   I’m sure you’ll all agree that I was inspired with the chocolate flake bits for pubic hair and icing jizz?

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Westcord Fashion Hotel Amsterdam

I was fortunate to stay at the Westcord Fashion Hotel on Monday; my job took me overseas to Amsterdam and I was very thankful to enjoy everything the hotel had to offer after a snowy commute to the Netherlands.

The hotel is situated within the A10 ring road of Amsterdam; I found it perfectly placed in Leidseplein which is a 10 minute tram ride from the city centre and the same distance to Schiphol Airport or Amsterdam RAI

The arty hotel decor wouldn’t look out of place on an episode of ‘Eurotrash’; especially the toilet doors by the Bar which require you to push a bum/back sculpture on the door,  rather than a handle!

I really liked my room,  big comfy bed,  en suite bathroom with a sliding glass door along with the biggest bath I’ve been in for some time; overall the rooms are excellent value with great facilities,  gadgets and free WIFI Internet.

The bar food was reasonably priced and value for money,  the breakfast buffet was excellent.

Sadly, I didn’t get a chance to visit the Wellness Garden and its two sauna’s, Turkish steam room, indoor swimming pool.  The pool looked great!

I’d recommend the hotel for a romantic break more than a business trip; purely because the bath is definitely made for two!

Regardless. A very enjoyable stay!

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Amsterdam

Amsterdam.   The culture shock that failed to arrive.

There’s more weed and titty bars in Croydon than there are here???

I walked around for two and a half hours last night and came to the following conclusions:

(*)  Dutch people are extremely nice but have a bloody silly language.

(*) There are SO many bikes here,  but the Dutch won fuck all in the Olympics for cycling?

(*)  The narrow houses by the canals are beautiful, but you’d have to be deformed or brought up drinking agent orange to fit in one.   Bugger all chance I’d even get through the front door!

(*) I still don’t like the smell of puff.

(*) The trams are very similar to Croydon, just minus the menacing little spastics who sit playing their shitty grime tunes on a CEX bargain phone.

Amsterdam,  a city with a distinct charm; a bit like Sir Jimmy Saville.

Alvin Lee – R.I.P.

Alvin Lee was an amazing showman; I will never forget seeing him play the extended version of ‘I’m Goin’ Home’ at Woodstock when I was 16.

I had never, ever, seen anyone play a chuck berry blues shuffle riff THAT fast before and he quite literally played his tits off during the Woodstock performance; I loved how he’d tune up and down an octave whilst playing. 

He was an exceptional guitarist.

I have the ‘Ten Years After’ debut album in my car and “I Can’t Keep from Crying, Sometimes” is one of my favourite tracks; give it a whirl!!!

R.I.P.  Alvin.