…….take a bag of microwave popcorn to bed.
By the time you wake up, you’ll find that it has kept you sufficiently warm during the night and provided you with a tasty (if slightly unorthodox) treat for breakfast.
…….take a bag of microwave popcorn to bed.
By the time you wake up, you’ll find that it has kept you sufficiently warm during the night and provided you with a tasty (if slightly unorthodox) treat for breakfast.
The world gasped in shock today as Pope Dirk Benedict tried to snatch a small pink child whilst posing as an ice cream man.
Luckily some bald man in the crowd saw the evil intent in the old Nazi’s eyes and stopped him before the baby could be made into a 99.
Thwarted, The Pope, A.K.A. Mr Whippy, managed to flee the scene despite being surrounded by several thousand lunatics who believe in Jesus; yes, in this day and age!.
Scotland Yard have warned that he’s armed and dangerous and should not be approached or worshiped.
I sadly found out today that an old school friend, Richard Oxer, has passed away.
My good mate Angelo (who was in Richards tutor group at school) noticed an article in the Guardian last week which prompted me to contact Richard’s brother, Adam; who confirmed the worst. Phew.
From Adam’s perspective, the article in question is apparently very inaccurate; hurtful, cheap/lazy journalism really pisses me off and I felt compelled to pop up a little tribute to him because he was a top guy.
When most people look back at their childhoods they can probably reel off a dozen or so characters who defined their school years; I can honestly say that Richard was one of the most naturally funny people that I ever met.
If there was a classroom prank, he’d be one of the lead protagonists, if there was cheeky banter going on, he’d be at the front giving out the most stick; Rich was the first person who ever called me “Onion Bhaji” in relation to my Indian roots, and in that alone I think I will always grin when one is served up on a plate in front of me.
Yep, Rich was a friendly pisstaker of the cleverest kind; someone who wasn’t frightened to make comedy out of what made people different; and in today’s world I think that’s a very, very rare comodity (you’d probably get stabbed now for dat innit blud!!!).
During my college years I also worked with Rich at the Sutton branch of Safeway for about a year; during this time I frequently had fresh produce (watermelons!) hurled at me when I come out of the staffroom from lunch, only to find Rich atop the shelving areas grinning. He’d often use the store P.A. system to put out a call for me in various ‘voices’ (the Jamaican accent was my favourite); only for me to call up the extension and have him howl ‘Kriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiishnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan’ before putting the phone down.
Of course this banter wasn’t one sided; I often reminded Rich that he had a pair of ears the size of a Spanish seaside Donkey; and I could never fathom why he’d sit in class pretending to smoke his fountain pens? Or why he’d go one step further and smoke the big fat dry board market pens like cigar?!?
Adam said in his reply to me that Rich was a funny fucker and I have to say you can’t really sum him up better than that; I am very sad to hear of his passing.
Rest in peace Rich.
The UK Drug Policy Commission said today that people should stop calling heroin users “junkies” or “addicts”; such terms are apparently distrustful and judgemental?!?
It hasn’t said what we should call them instead though; so I propose one of the following so as not to upset the poor darlings:
Poppy enthusiasts
Tea spoon burners
Speedball wizard
I think it’s perfectly plausible that Naomi Campbell was offered diamonds by ‘someone’ she didn’t know whilst in Africa……
I get at least 6 e mails a day from anonymous Africans offering me vast sums of money if I can assist in releasing a lost fortune from some bank account or other.
I’m just soothing my aching body in a nice hot soak; being shot at for several hours with pellets that reach speeds of 230ft per second can have a fairly detrimental effect on a 32 year olds body!
Airsoft is the name of the game; effectively similar to paintball but using high velocity BB pellets instead of paint; and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I was invited to take part to celebrate Gary’s 30th birthday bash; Gary, whom I know through my good buddy David!
The venue is an old MOD bomb shelter just outside Epsom high street; and the underground bunker is a very claustrophobic setting indeed.
I found myself quite oppressed by the confines of the tunnels which had artificial lighting changes for different game modes. Sometimes there was almost no light at all!
I think I fared rather well for a first timer; especially with the opposing team comprising of enthusiasts that play weekly and turned up armed to the teeth.
Their obsessive enthusiasm was rather amusing, each of the regulars had brought their own guns worth around £1000 each, wearing mercenary style clothing and a seemingly endless suply of ultraviolet glow-in-the-dark pellets. Guess it’s the next natural step after chess club.
In contrast I wore jeans, two t-shirts (as I stupidly thought that’d reduce the pain) and a strangely damp camoflaged jacket; I doubt I’ll be getting a call up by my darky bretheren to fight in Kashmir just yet!
A great time was had by all; and I’d recommend Airsoft to any of you testosterone junkies out there who hide behind an xbox controller all too often.
Oh, and I’ve attached a picture of a nice welt which has appeared just by my right temple after a pellet hit it from about 100 yards away. Yes, it stung like fuck!
Pow pow, owwwwww!
Forget the AA, RAC, FBI or even the Thunderbirds; when YOU get a rear tyre puncture at 8:00am whilst doing 60mph on the Croydon Flyover, there’s only one guy you can call……..whilst he’s enjoying a lie in before work!
Poor Ray, filled his tyre with Nitroglycerin last weekend and rang me this morning when it went pffffffftttt…..
I got ready, grabbed some tools and jumped on the bike; made record time down Stafford Road and eventually found Mr Bush on the corner of Croydon Council looking cool as a cucumber; sleeves rolled up ready to get going.
The Jedi have lightsabres, Lesbians have strap on cocks; however Ray and spanners are synonymous.
In 5 minutes he had the side panel off, spare off the side and was ready to get the wheel off; my contribution? Sit on the front to weigh it down; and nobody can do that like me!
Ping, zow, dun dun dun, weeeeee!!! Clunk finished in 10 minutes, and off we rolled to work.
So if you need help, and you can find him, maybe you can hire, the K-team!
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