Category Archives: Editorials

Happy Diwali

A message from his holiness:

Swami Prahabudbudwiser Antikrish III

My children, this Diwali I would respectfully request that you all break with the usual traditions and celebrate my immense greatness by lighting lots and lots of cherry scented candles.

When you have at least 666 candles lit, commence throwing fireworks at each other (no Catherine wheels) until not a single air bomb or rocket resides in your shop windows.  Finally, before the midnight hour signals the end of the day, you must kiss the first cow that you see!  Not Jersey cows though, they are bastards!  ::spits::

Follow my instructions and you will all have a peaceful, happy and prosperous New Year. Or your money back!

Kiss my brown self, owwwwwwwwww!

Hello chums.

My plan for Diwali was to ride over to my pal Alan’s and let him test out the snazzy video camera gadget that he’d installed on his motorbike.

The ‘Dogcam 520 pro’ was fitted in the rear (best place for it Alan?) to pick me as I travelled along the winding roads of Kent; in reality the footage only lasted a mere 6 minutes because Al used cheap batteries from Hong Kong and the majority of what did get recorded showed him struggling to get the cover back on over the top of the camcorders hidey space thingamy.  Riveting stuff!

I have of course included the footage below so that Mr McSpielberg may receive plaudits for his directing skills.  Getting my own ‘Dogcam’ may well be on the cards; I suspect that it could have some very amusing applications!?!  I say, get your mind out of the gutter, I’m a respectable man you know!

Right, I’m off to scoff my commemorate the Festival of Lights with a good curry.

Sag aloo!

Now available in HD

No Anglo Indians were harmed in the production of this film.

………..although I was arguably exploited?

Phoenix – ‘Fine vision’ adhesive visor lens

Have you suffered from a fogged-up visor whilst you’re out and about?  When served by the attractive young woman at the deli counter in Tesco’s when your ticket flashes up on the ticket flashy thing, when you’re about to pay for condoms in the pharmacy or even when riding a motorbike in colder climes?  If the answer to any of these questions is “yes!” then fear not, relief is at hand!!

Enduring a fogged-up visor is a royal pain in the arse, and even a professional footballer realises that this can be flipping dangerous.  So, being a responsible sort of chap (ahem) I asked a very experienced biker chum who recommended that I try a visor insert; a rather handy little gadget designed to reduce fogging.  Nice one Andy me old china!

A visor insert, or ‘adhesive lens’ is basically a way of putting double glazing inside your visor; the pocket of air in between the lens and visor stops fogging.  Simple eh?  You position the lens, guide your finger around the adhesive perimeter and leave to sit for 24 hours and they hey presto!  No more fogging!

For £10, you can’t go wrong (unless you apply it in a wonky fashion and ruin your visor……) – WEBSITE – PHOENIX ADHESIVE VISOR LENS

KEVS TIP – HOW TO STOP YOUR GLASSES FOGGING UP!

My old metalwork teacher told me that if you want to stop your glasses fogging up, get a little Vaseline on a cloth, apply and rub it into the glasses on both sides and then just polish until clear.  If you apply this to a bathroom mirror then it’s rather handy when shaving!

Phoenixlenspic

My new Yamaha YZF R125

Yo.

Hey hey rat fans, pappas got a brand new, erm, motorbike. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyeeee!

As some of you may know, my Aprilia RS 125’s engine seized a couple of weeks ago and it’s currently sitting in my garage requiring a full rebuild; suffice to say that I thought my motorbiking days were over for the time being. That was until my fairygodmother Joan helped me out of a jiffy. Thank you very much Mrs Martin, I genuinely do not deserve your love and kindness. You are one of a kind.

Yamaha are running a 3 years 0% interest free finance deal on the ultra economical and reliable 4 stroke YZF R125 motorbike, so I signed on the dotted linel; and I have to say that I am very glad that I did. Just running in 20-30 miles today was sufficient to realise just how good a bike this is. The gearchanges are already easy, the engine has a wonderful tone to it and the ride position actually accomodates someone of my rather imposing stature. I have to ‘run the engine in’ for 600 miles before I can begin taking up towards the higher speeds that the bike can achieve.

I daresay I will be out blogging adventures to obscure coastal towns again very soon, well, that will be the case if the weather picks up again. Then again, if the rain comes the people stay away from the beaches and I’m not too bothered about having a Mr Whippy on the beach if it’s spitting!

So here you go, feast your eyes. Wagga wagga.

IMG_0617

Le photographie de fromage

I keep getting asked to post a new piccy on here of yours truly; so here you go. Me, in all my cheesy glory. Oh yes, and I’m growing a goatee at the moment, rather like I used to have during the 90’s!!!. Beard nostalgia!

goatee

A wazza pair of jugs

I’m bored, and tired; which tends to make me ponder useless things.

Today’s mediocrity made me consider:

CHARLIES.
Another word for tits. I.e. “Look at the size of that girls charlies!!!!”.

PRONTO.
Exec jargon tomfoolery. Absolutely brilliant word to pop on the end of a sentence to indicate something must be done straight away; it shows you are in charge and leads people to believe you have a big dog in your pants. Woof.

HOLLYOAKS.
UK based soap opera. Lots of soap, but no singing; thankfully. This programme is effectively populated by failed catalogue models who want to be in ‘Eastenders’ one day. In reality the girls will probably end up in low budget porn and the guys will instead become personal trainers. Come on now, show me those jazz hands!!! Tripe.

SWINE FLU.
Why doesn’t everyone just bathe in Detol?

MOON LANDING CONSPIRACY.
When will the ‘thinkers’ accept that Louis Armstrong and Buzz lightyear landed on the moon!?!?

CLINKER PICKER.
Someone who regularly violates their own anus.

Michael Jackson is dead? Beat it…

I’m shocked.

Not due to the fact Jacko is ‘dead’ but more so because everyone is shocked by it. Yes, I’m shocked by the shock; people die for fuck sakes!?!?

Personally I’m disturbed that a person, who for whatever reason, tried to change his ethnicity and identity to the degree that he did. I’m White/brown and proud!

Cue the mass outpouring of mindless grief and conspiracy theories……

Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, blame it on the myocardial infarction.

Wesson Biker Cafe – Horam

Yo.

I ended up doing a 150 mile ride around Kent/East Sussex/Surrey today; quite an unexpected way to spend my day considering I had turned into the office this morning to do some overtime.  The work was cut short due to technical issues and Alan (my boss), suggested that we go for a ride down to Wesson’s Biker Cafe in Horam, East Sussex.  It was such a gorgeous day out; who was I to argue?

Alan had ridden his Aprilia RSV in to the office and I did my best to keep up with him through the various detours he chose to during our journey.  That is to say keep up with Alan whilst he’s in 1st gear.   The route was actually fairly similar to that which we took going down to Brighton all those months ago (feels like years ago now if I’m honest!) and I enjoyed nailing a few bends which I took very nervously last time.  Eat your heart out Lewis Schumacher!

The sun shone profusely and it was a pleasure riding through the forests, zipping along and looking over the Surrey valleys before making it to East Grinstead when everything became much more countryfied near Maresfield.  Again, I had spotted several games of cricket on the go, I REALLY will ride down to one of them one weekend soon and have a glass of lemonade at the accompanying pub.  HOWZAT!?

Eventually we made it through to the cafe; quietly located in Horam which is a really nice little town/village.  The cafe itself is very funky, lots of bike/rock posters adorn the walls and some bluesy/rock was on the radio when we walked in so that immediately got the thumbs up from me. The staff in there are also very friendly and they fixed me up two very sexy bacon rolls which I scoffed down rather ravenously due to the appetite that I had developed winding and weaving around the lanes on the way down. Good grub, inexpensive and service with a smile.  Highly recommended.

Soon enough it was time to leave, waiting for my bike to warm up I had a quick look at all the other bikes parked outside; the old vintage Triumph (piccy in the gallery) particularly caught my eye.  Absolutely gorgeous.  I tried to nick it, but it wouldn’t fit in my rucksack.  Slag.

We came back up through the A21 and into the areas of Kent that I never quite got to see due to my accident cutting short a planned trip to Alan’s.  I was determined to go back through Westerham again (where I came off) and got up to an undisclosed FAST speed down the dual carriageway en route.

Almost on cue the bike began spluttering and losing power because I needed to fill up on petrol, Kent hates me?.  From the speed I was going (best not put it here) I was suddenly almost going backwards on a very fast stretch of road and somehow found the cool resolve to stick the fuel tap on ‘reserve’ before finding a Shell garage on the busiest road I think I’ve ever seen.    Glug, glug, glug, ten pounds for your pollutant sir.  Thank you.  And off I went again.

Alan eventually buggered off on the Tonbridge turn-off heading home and I sauntered down the A25 towards Westerham.  I had told Al earlier that day that I wasn’t particularly wary or pensive about revisiting the site of my accident, and I have to say that was honestly the case.  In fact, I was actually looking forward to conquering it.  It’s such a lovely place, that’s the irony.  No sooner had I entered the village I was through it.  Stick that in your pipe and smoke it Kent Highways Agency!

I decided to go home via the B2024 on a whim and that in turn lead me to the B269; really glad I did because it was the most beautiful part of the ride and very fitting I thought having just passed through Westerham.  This little stretch of read takes you high above the Surrey Valley near Warlingham, and on a good day you can see for miles and miles, well, as best as you can at the legal speed limit.  Ahem.  Warlingham, nice posh suburban girlies quickly turned into South Croydon birds with fags and I knew I was home.

And that’s that.  Until next time chums.

THE ADDRESS

Wesson’s Cafe
High St
Horam,
Heathfield,
East Sussex
TN21 0ER

THE ROUTE – (IN PINK).

horammap

THE GALLERY