Google Chrome – Web browser

Howdy all.

Just thought I’d throw up a quick post about Google’s new ‘CHROME’ internet browser.  It’s absolutely RAPID for web browsing and google searching.  I have to say it’s miles better than the latest version of Firefox (3) and Internet explorer.  Every single page I’ve thrown at it has loaded up instantaneously.

The fact that it’s obviously been built by Google to gain data at an offensive level is a no brainer, but then doesn’t ever other mainstream application on the web?

I’d highly recommend it, give it a go!!!

GOOGLE CHROME – Click here to go to the download page.

Sex tourists

‘Sex tourist’, is a phrase frequently used in our press (particularly the BBC) at the moment to describe a person who goes abroad (to places like Thailand) with the sole intent of doing dodgy stuff to minors or sleeping with ladyboys. 

My thoughts on this are quite simple.  Why not just use the word ‘nonce’ instead?

I mean, what do you bring back as a souvenir from such tourism apart from STD’s?  How about a “My friend/brother/husband went on holiday looking for illegal poontang and all I got was this lousy t-shirt“, or one of those incredibly cheesy but brilliant snow globes of a man shafting a ‘woman’ with a great lumpy adams apple, that glows in the dark or something.  On second thoughts, does it even snow in Thailand?

You wait, there will be a ITV documentary soon called “Sex Tourism uncovered” which opens to the melody of ‘Summer Holiday’ by Sir Cliff Richard (slowed down to sound sinister) and features some fat bald man called Roger from Norfolk who ventures into Northern Africa each year to bugger Wildbeest. 

I’ve had enough of lefties bringing out phrases that mean fuck all!  What next, ‘Militant safari’ to describe the goings on in Iraq?  How about ‘Resort Hamster’ for the sort of person who goes for the same ‘Costa del Bollocks’ package holiday every year, but doesn’t know why?

I say again, NONCE!

The Dark Knight – IMAX

Dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!!!!! Kerpow, splang, twat, fuck!

Wooohoooo! Just got back from seeing ‘The Dark Knight’ up at BFI’s Imax theatre. Quite frankly I’m almost at a loss to express how immense the experience was! I had already seen the film at my local Vue cinema with my nephew Kai and thought afterwards it was an exceptioanlly good movie, but seeing it today felt like the first time I’d ever watched it; or any film if I’m honest.

The BFI Imax screen is 20m high and 26m wide and has one of the best sound systems in Europe apparently, I shall try not to get too geeky during this post…….bugger, too late. I had brilliant seats (which you can pick online, no race against the chimps required when doors open; pet hate of mine), dead smack bang in the middle, and the screen is so close that it draws you right in. Literally. At times I had totally forgotten where I was and became so utterly absorbed by what was going on in front of me that I felt a bit of a plum when reality kicked back in.

The clarity is crystal clear, and the fact the film was shot with an IMAX camera is only too apparent when landscape scenes fill up the entire screen with perfect resolution; my favourite panorama has to be the scene where Batman is poised atop a skyscraper in Hong Kong which overlooks the harbour, it brought back very fond memories of my time there let me tell you. I could almost smell it.

What is there to say about this film that hasn’t already been said? I couldn’t do justice to Heath Ledgers sublime performance of the Joker, but I do feel that Gary Oldmans effort as Jim Gordon largely went unsung in the press. He’s just as perfect as the clown in my opinion. Both Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine are both standouts as well, the latter always manages to steal the limelight doesn’t he? His Alfred is brilliant. Whoever cast this film deserves a very firm pat on the back. And a big bag of cherries for good measure.

I genuinely hope that they make another film, purely because the franchise is going from strength to strength; ultimately I don’t think there is a film around at the moment which hits home with such spot-on social commentary as this one does. I’d go as far as to say that it’s probably the most intelligent Hollywood film I’ve ever seen.

Saying that, the thing that makes this film so special is the emphasis put on character development, and even intelligent commentary runs behind the importance of Jokers jawdropping scene with the hood and the pencil trick (my favourite scene by FAR, those who have seen it will know what I mean), also Batman dropping a Mob Boss off a building just high up enough not to kill him but purely to be vindictive is genius. I can see why the intensely powerful scene where Joker describes how he got his scars to before slicing Gamble up with a knife is compared by some to how chilling Jack Nicholson is in ‘The Shinning’, or Dennis Hopper is in ‘Blue Velvet’. These three scenes totally define each character and set them aside from any previous incarnations they may have had. Way, way beyond in fact.

Anyway, the IMAX screenings of Batman run into October, and I urge everyone to get up there and experience it if you can; after seeing the trailer for ‘Watchmen’, one of my all time favourite graphic novels, I can assure you It won’t be long before I go back!

At £12.50 it’s only £4.00 more than going to your local cinema, AND you get to do a cockney walk along the Southbank for good measure. Spiceworld.

See you next Tuesday

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore are two of my favourite comedians (Goes for Al as well); and I can think of nobody else who can nail satire or parody as well as them. I have always thought their ‘Derek and Clive’ characters were absolutely genius, parodising two average working class cockney guys setting the world to rights in the most self righteous manner possible. It still hits very close to home even now (Al and I can do a very good impression of this when we’re drunkenarerd).

One of my favourite sketches is called ‘This bloke came up to me’; the material for Derek and Clive was mainly improvised and the original sketch has me in fits of laughter. I begin frothing at the mouth I tell you, like a really crap Mr Whippy ice cream maker.

I was browsing youpube tonight and I found a rather funny video which I’ve included below. It almost sounds like my mum talking to a random relative at a family Christmas/birthday/wedding type do. Scarily actually.

Gawd blimey.

Bathtime overtime

Well, it’s 10pm on a Friday night and most people are out right now trying their hardest to get involved in something crayyyyzeeee and, like, totally impress all their colleagues with the story when they get back into the office on Monday. I for one tend to yawn very, very openly when I hear people participating in one of these glorified pissing contests whilst in the staffroom (that we share with people from other floors, who are generally the offenders). Yawn, yawn, yawny yawn.

However, in the grand spirit of fitting in I thought I’d do something zaney and completely off the wall (and all those other MAD cliches that I know Alex can’t stand) so I can chip in when someone asks me what I did with my Friday night.

“Come on then what did you do? Bungee jumping into shark infested waters was it Kev? Tickling a wild tiger with a piece of celery maybe? Drinking 50 pints, throwing up on a ming dynasty rug and then posting it to the Chinese in a ‘free Tibet’ protest? No?!?? Well, what did you do Kev?!?!?”

Right now, I’m sitting in the bath. The bath I say! I have my laptop on a coffee table next to me, and I’m being paid time and a half to pay claims!!! BEING PAID TO SIT NAKED IN THE BATH!!!! Beat that all you totally mad fuckers!

I’m not only thinking out of the box, but I’m wet too!

Isaac Hayes – R.I.P.

Hi folks. I don’t normally do the celebrity mourning thing but I was absolutely gutted to see that Isaac Hayes passed away only a couple of hours ago. I’ve long been a fan of him, mainly his music, the funk, the soul; the theme of ‘Shaft’ needs no introduction. The track kicks in with scratching wah wah guitar and is utterly infectious. I have it on my phone as an MP3, it’s on every playlist I have which is hooked up to my sound system. I’m gutted.

Most probably knew him as Chef from South Park which is fair enough, and like so many he probably won’t be remembered for the musical genius that he was. I must admit one of my favourite tracks ever is ‘Chocolate Salty Balls’ and there are a lucky half a dozen or so individuals who have either heard me singing it in the shower or on karaoke; but his stuff during the early 70’s is astoundingly before it’s time.

The first time I ever became aware of Isaac was watching the film ‘I’m gonna git you sucka’ upon the recommendation of my mate Glen when I was around 17 years old. ‘Sucka’ parodised all of the great blaxploitation flicks like Shaft, Superfly and Cleopatra Jones which I love; strangely enough I quite literally only just watched ‘Sucka’ last week, talking to Dan about the scene in which the hero picks up a woman in a bar, only to take her back to her place and find she’s wearing a wig, a fake pair of tits, a fake ass and has a prosthetic leg.

Whilst I don’t want to get caught up in the usual outpouring of random crap that I’d associate with the death of someone like Heath Ledger; I did want to put this tribute to Isaac on my site because he has had so much influence in my life.

Rest in peace you bad motherfucker.

I’m no punk bitch!

This clip from Rush Hour has me in fits of laughter because it SERIOUSLY reminds me of when my dad used to argue with Mr Cheung, proprietor of the local take-away when I was a kid. Old Cheung would always try and have the old man over, he never did get away with it though.

I remember once he tried to arm wrestle my dad in front of a shop full of spectators; it was like a multiracial cockney version of the film ‘Over the Top’ but much funnier.

Needless to say my old man almost pulled Cheungs arm out of his socket, Chewbacca style! HRRRRRRRN!

Back in Black

Many thanks to those who have e mailed me to say they have missed my incessant ramblings and rants; I love you all darlings.  I apologise forthwith for neglecting my blogging duties.  Grovel, grovel, grovel.

So!.  What’s it all about then Alfie?!?!  Why haven’t I posted for a while?  Well, to be honest I haven’t had the bloody inclination to do so.  For the record, I was temporarily suspended from work on Thursday, 17th of July 2008 because I stupidly sent out some games via company e mail.  I made the mistake of sending them to a friend in the building who then had the audacity to try and send them to external contacts with ‘GAMES’ in the subject title.  Smooth.

I.T.’s ‘naughty stuff’ detectors picked up on the word ‘Games’ and I was down having a meeting of concern with Human Resources before you could say “Lets make an example of Kev, even though the vast majority of people are not only playing games in the office but are most likely running a variety of immigration and prostitution rackets elsewhere in the building”.  Upon reflection, that would actually take a long time to say wouldn’t it?  I digress, sorry. 

Consequentially, I was sent home on full pay pending an investigation.  I can’t really elaborate too much on how I felt at this time because the anger still runs raw through my darkie veins, but suffice to say that I felt the initial part of the disciplinary was handled very badly, in my humble opinion of course.  Eventually, my manager (and RSV obsessed buddy) Alan intervened and got me back into the office the following Monday.  I was pretty relieved to say the least; my employer has a very strict email/internet abuse policy and could have dismissed me should they found that I had downloaded or brought the files in from an external source.  This most certainly was their intention initially (my manager was out of the office and the covering manager bungled the whole thing).

I returned into the office to an extremely warm reception from my colleagues who had text and e mailed me throughout, thanks guys it meant a lot.  I cleared my PC of anything non-work related and that was that.  I shall personally miss my collection of accident video clips but what can you do?

Thankfully, the investigation ceased on the 30th July, I.T. were unable to provide the source of the files, furthermore the only record they had of me playing the games over the course of several months was around 8am one morning (in my own time).  For my trouble I got a verbal warning (which was confirmed in writing, something I thought was rather ironic?!?!) and my legs royally smacked.  OK, so I made the last bit up.  I got off lightly.

What did I learn through this experience you ask?? 

1) Big brother (Or as Indians like to call it, barda bhai) is definately watching, and I am extending my large middle finger in his general direction!  Suck on that, your mother was a can of tuna!

2) I need to invest in a personal wireless USB modem for my laptop ASAP. When I get this I intend to send some Donkey Midget porn to my witless friend (who shall remain nameless – COUGHS :: Hitesh! ::) who made the worst judgement call naming his e mail ‘GAMES’ in the first instance.  This is clearly the stupidest thing he has done since his infamous parachute jump into a known minefield somewhere in North Korea whilst holding a large epileptic hedgehog.

3) Don’t have friends who get fucking caught!

4) Stare out the window instead of going on to the internet.

5) When I get REALLY bored I intend to get up and walk around randomly with a stapler.  Nobody is going to ask why for fear they’ll get stapled to a nearby desk.  Plus it’s nice and obscure.

6) Buy a guinea pig for the office to pass the hours, there’s bugger all in the staff handbook about that being against the rules!  I’m going to get one and call it Mr Nibbles.  A schedule shall be drawn up for people to take it home for bank holidays and weekends.  Names in a hat please.

So there we go, normal service will now resume.  Thank you for your cooperation. 

 

 

Iron Maiden – Twickenham – 5th July 2008

maiden1-425x318 Blimey, what a weekend!! I worked 16 hours of overtime over Saturday and Sunday which knocked me bandy. Capped it all off with a rather nice curry so I can’t complain.

Following Saturday’s overtime whorage I managed to get up to Twickenham stadium with my mate Ian and witness Iron Maiden play the debut UK date of their ‘Somewhere back in time tour 1980-1989’. I was very impressed at the venue for a concert, and although I prefer much smaller and more intimate gigs I was quite humbled by how the whole thing was organised. They have a Wimpy stand there for goodness sakes!

We got up there fairly early and saw Within Temptation play support with her band (A bit Scandinavian-style Euro/Disney rock for my liking, plus every track sounded the same!) and also 2nd support band ‘Avenged Sevenfold‘ which I quite liked as they reminded me of just about every bay thrash band I listened to during my high school years (Ah, memories of Suicidal Tendancies). They cut short their last track ‘A7X’ (and in my opinon their best) because some twat threw a bottle of water at their lead singer. Shame really as they weren’t too bad.

Maiden eventually got on stage at 8:15pm and launched into a tracklist which I was largely unfamiliar with. I pretty much only know the first two albums, Iron Maiden (debut) and Killers, both of which were then fronted by Singer Paul Dianno, and felt a little left out initially as they blatantly chose to play tracks which were written during Bruce Dickinsons tenure. Shame really as I was expecting tracks like ‘Running Free’, ‘Wrath Child’ and various others, but given their back catalogue I suppose they can only play so many.

That said Maiden played with the same hunger and professionalism that I saw at the Earls Court gig last year, and it was a shame the sound engineering didn’t do their playing justice; at various times the levels were distorted and a bit cluttered. I also felt that the sound chaps had totally underestimate the amount of speakers needed for those of us too scared to go into the standing area with all the mentalists. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen so many drunken baldy nutcases falling down stairs or being hauled off by the old bill.

Regardless of the above there were some outrageously brilliant moments which made it worthwhile, highlights for me included the incredibly atmospheric ‘Fear of the Dark’, ‘The Trooper’ and ‘Run to the Hills’ which rocked and then some. The stage was top notch as always, is it wrong to secretly hope that Eddie will catch fire because of mismanaged pyrotechnics?

It was genuinely very inspiring to see a group of guys playing with such vigour and skill way into what should be their twilight years; I will however never forgive them for leaving ‘Phantom of the Opera’ off of their set.

Bastards.

Swear box – Day 4 – Yippekayay Muddyfunsters!

I MADE IT!!! NOT A SINGLE FINE!!! FUCKING HELL YEAH BABY!!!! SUCK MA PLUMS BIATCH!!! ETC.

I’m officially off the hook now, I chose to take Friday off which means I’ve gone FOUR DAYS without swearing once in the office and that’s my lot.

So, what did I learn about it all? Well, I CAN go without swearing, but I know that anyway. Like I said, I CHOOSE to swear, and it bloody well agrees with me!!!!! There are more eloquent words at my disposal, yes I’m sure swearing makes me less of an intellectual, however nothing quite hits the mark like a well timed and executed profane message does it?

For example:

Normal speak:
‘I say Timmy, I find you most disagreeable you charletan!’.

Antikrishtonian-Wallingtonshire Dictionary Sponsored phrase:
‘Fuck you Timmy you anal phlegmn-loving badger bashing tosspot!’.

Doesn’t come close does it?

Suprisingly it was Hitesh who swore most (although being a true Desi spirit, he never paid his fines), never saw that one coming! Ray being an eloquent sort of chap would have been my choice, but even my boss Alan swore more than him. Tut tut tut, you naughty bunch of fuckers need to set a better example!

Anyway, I’m glad that’s over. I just have to be thankful there’s not a ‘Filth box’ or I’d be in serious, serious trouble.