Category Archives: Kevs Anti-Rants

Isaac Hayes – R.I.P.

Hi folks. I don’t normally do the celebrity mourning thing but I was absolutely gutted to see that Isaac Hayes passed away only a couple of hours ago. I’ve long been a fan of him, mainly his music, the funk, the soul; the theme of ‘Shaft’ needs no introduction. The track kicks in with scratching wah wah guitar and is utterly infectious. I have it on my phone as an MP3, it’s on every playlist I have which is hooked up to my sound system. I’m gutted.

Most probably knew him as Chef from South Park which is fair enough, and like so many he probably won’t be remembered for the musical genius that he was. I must admit one of my favourite tracks ever is ‘Chocolate Salty Balls’ and there are a lucky half a dozen or so individuals who have either heard me singing it in the shower or on karaoke; but his stuff during the early 70’s is astoundingly before it’s time.

The first time I ever became aware of Isaac was watching the film ‘I’m gonna git you sucka’ upon the recommendation of my mate Glen when I was around 17 years old. ‘Sucka’ parodised all of the great blaxploitation flicks like Shaft, Superfly and Cleopatra Jones which I love; strangely enough I quite literally only just watched ‘Sucka’ last week, talking to Dan about the scene in which the hero picks up a woman in a bar, only to take her back to her place and find she’s wearing a wig, a fake pair of tits, a fake ass and has a prosthetic leg.

Whilst I don’t want to get caught up in the usual outpouring of random crap that I’d associate with the death of someone like Heath Ledger; I did want to put this tribute to Isaac on my site because he has had so much influence in my life.

Rest in peace you bad motherfucker.

Back in Black

Many thanks to those who have e mailed me to say they have missed my incessant ramblings and rants; I love you all darlings.  I apologise forthwith for neglecting my blogging duties.  Grovel, grovel, grovel.

So!.  What’s it all about then Alfie?!?!  Why haven’t I posted for a while?  Well, to be honest I haven’t had the bloody inclination to do so.  For the record, I was temporarily suspended from work on Thursday, 17th of July 2008 because I stupidly sent out some games via company e mail.  I made the mistake of sending them to a friend in the building who then had the audacity to try and send them to external contacts with ‘GAMES’ in the subject title.  Smooth.

I.T.’s ‘naughty stuff’ detectors picked up on the word ‘Games’ and I was down having a meeting of concern with Human Resources before you could say “Lets make an example of Kev, even though the vast majority of people are not only playing games in the office but are most likely running a variety of immigration and prostitution rackets elsewhere in the building”.  Upon reflection, that would actually take a long time to say wouldn’t it?  I digress, sorry. 

Consequentially, I was sent home on full pay pending an investigation.  I can’t really elaborate too much on how I felt at this time because the anger still runs raw through my darkie veins, but suffice to say that I felt the initial part of the disciplinary was handled very badly, in my humble opinion of course.  Eventually, my manager (and RSV obsessed buddy) Alan intervened and got me back into the office the following Monday.  I was pretty relieved to say the least; my employer has a very strict email/internet abuse policy and could have dismissed me should they found that I had downloaded or brought the files in from an external source.  This most certainly was their intention initially (my manager was out of the office and the covering manager bungled the whole thing).

I returned into the office to an extremely warm reception from my colleagues who had text and e mailed me throughout, thanks guys it meant a lot.  I cleared my PC of anything non-work related and that was that.  I shall personally miss my collection of accident video clips but what can you do?

Thankfully, the investigation ceased on the 30th July, I.T. were unable to provide the source of the files, furthermore the only record they had of me playing the games over the course of several months was around 8am one morning (in my own time).  For my trouble I got a verbal warning (which was confirmed in writing, something I thought was rather ironic?!?!) and my legs royally smacked.  OK, so I made the last bit up.  I got off lightly.

What did I learn through this experience you ask?? 

1) Big brother (Or as Indians like to call it, barda bhai) is definately watching, and I am extending my large middle finger in his general direction!  Suck on that, your mother was a can of tuna!

2) I need to invest in a personal wireless USB modem for my laptop ASAP. When I get this I intend to send some Donkey Midget porn to my witless friend (who shall remain nameless – COUGHS :: Hitesh! ::) who made the worst judgement call naming his e mail ‘GAMES’ in the first instance.  This is clearly the stupidest thing he has done since his infamous parachute jump into a known minefield somewhere in North Korea whilst holding a large epileptic hedgehog.

3) Don’t have friends who get fucking caught!

4) Stare out the window instead of going on to the internet.

5) When I get REALLY bored I intend to get up and walk around randomly with a stapler.  Nobody is going to ask why for fear they’ll get stapled to a nearby desk.  Plus it’s nice and obscure.

6) Buy a guinea pig for the office to pass the hours, there’s bugger all in the staff handbook about that being against the rules!  I’m going to get one and call it Mr Nibbles.  A schedule shall be drawn up for people to take it home for bank holidays and weekends.  Names in a hat please.

So there we go, normal service will now resume.  Thank you for your cooperation. 

 

 

Iron Maiden – Twickenham – 5th July 2008

maiden1-425x318 Blimey, what a weekend!! I worked 16 hours of overtime over Saturday and Sunday which knocked me bandy. Capped it all off with a rather nice curry so I can’t complain.

Following Saturday’s overtime whorage I managed to get up to Twickenham stadium with my mate Ian and witness Iron Maiden play the debut UK date of their ‘Somewhere back in time tour 1980-1989’. I was very impressed at the venue for a concert, and although I prefer much smaller and more intimate gigs I was quite humbled by how the whole thing was organised. They have a Wimpy stand there for goodness sakes!

We got up there fairly early and saw Within Temptation play support with her band (A bit Scandinavian-style Euro/Disney rock for my liking, plus every track sounded the same!) and also 2nd support band ‘Avenged Sevenfold‘ which I quite liked as they reminded me of just about every bay thrash band I listened to during my high school years (Ah, memories of Suicidal Tendancies). They cut short their last track ‘A7X’ (and in my opinon their best) because some twat threw a bottle of water at their lead singer. Shame really as they weren’t too bad.

Maiden eventually got on stage at 8:15pm and launched into a tracklist which I was largely unfamiliar with. I pretty much only know the first two albums, Iron Maiden (debut) and Killers, both of which were then fronted by Singer Paul Dianno, and felt a little left out initially as they blatantly chose to play tracks which were written during Bruce Dickinsons tenure. Shame really as I was expecting tracks like ‘Running Free’, ‘Wrath Child’ and various others, but given their back catalogue I suppose they can only play so many.

That said Maiden played with the same hunger and professionalism that I saw at the Earls Court gig last year, and it was a shame the sound engineering didn’t do their playing justice; at various times the levels were distorted and a bit cluttered. I also felt that the sound chaps had totally underestimate the amount of speakers needed for those of us too scared to go into the standing area with all the mentalists. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen so many drunken baldy nutcases falling down stairs or being hauled off by the old bill.

Regardless of the above there were some outrageously brilliant moments which made it worthwhile, highlights for me included the incredibly atmospheric ‘Fear of the Dark’, ‘The Trooper’ and ‘Run to the Hills’ which rocked and then some. The stage was top notch as always, is it wrong to secretly hope that Eddie will catch fire because of mismanaged pyrotechnics?

It was genuinely very inspiring to see a group of guys playing with such vigour and skill way into what should be their twilight years; I will however never forgive them for leaving ‘Phantom of the Opera’ off of their set.

Bastards.

Swear box – Day 4 – Yippekayay Muddyfunsters!

I MADE IT!!! NOT A SINGLE FINE!!! FUCKING HELL YEAH BABY!!!! SUCK MA PLUMS BIATCH!!! ETC.

I’m officially off the hook now, I chose to take Friday off which means I’ve gone FOUR DAYS without swearing once in the office and that’s my lot.

So, what did I learn about it all? Well, I CAN go without swearing, but I know that anyway. Like I said, I CHOOSE to swear, and it bloody well agrees with me!!!!! There are more eloquent words at my disposal, yes I’m sure swearing makes me less of an intellectual, however nothing quite hits the mark like a well timed and executed profane message does it?

For example:

Normal speak:
‘I say Timmy, I find you most disagreeable you charletan!’.

Antikrishtonian-Wallingtonshire Dictionary Sponsored phrase:
‘Fuck you Timmy you anal phlegmn-loving badger bashing tosspot!’.

Doesn’t come close does it?

Suprisingly it was Hitesh who swore most (although being a true Desi spirit, he never paid his fines), never saw that one coming! Ray being an eloquent sort of chap would have been my choice, but even my boss Alan swore more than him. Tut tut tut, you naughty bunch of fuckers need to set a better example!

Anyway, I’m glad that’s over. I just have to be thankful there’s not a ‘Filth box’ or I’d be in serious, serious trouble.

Swear box – Day 3

I almost lost it today with someone on the phone, such a rude and arrogant fucker. I especially enjoyed it when I told him that he’d be paying for the repairs on his vehicle rather than it being covered through his warranty policy (I’m a claims technician for people who aren’t aware of my vocation!). Chew on that Mr Rumbelow-Brown (made up name) you cheesy nobrot collector!

Still no swearing in the office though. C’mon!

Swear box – Day 1

We have work experience types in the office all this week; being true professionals we’re going to have a profanity-free zone enforced by a rather dubious looking swear box (it’s actually a drinking glass with a makeshift Mercedes-Benz banner around the rim, don’t laugh at the word rim because it’ll cost you a quid!).

Given how much I enjoy swearing (I believe it’s an artform personally), I genuinely don’t know how I’m going to stop bankrupting myself over the course of the working week, so I thought I’d take the brass band by the horns and blog my frustration here!  Labiatastic. 

If I make it through the week without spending a tenner I’ll be genuinely impressed, so, here goes nothing!

Fucking bollocky bastard rancid twatbags!

John Terry Spitting at Tevez ‘mystery’

I am absolutely astounded as to how the footballing community and the media have totally put a wall around the ‘snotting’ (not spitting) incident that occured during the Champions league final (see my last post).

I’ve spoken to a good dozen people now who clearly saw Terry blow his nose over Tevez’s neck deliberately, footage was put up on youtube but has been taken down by Uefa due to copyright laws; nice and convenient…….

Tevez, full marks to him just got on with it, he hasn’t said anything in the game and you can see in remaining clips around certain sites that he clearly wipes his neck in disgust and just walks off. Major respect to him for doing that because you could see how badly Terry wanted to even up the player numbers by getting a reaction out of him.

The messageboards and forums are totally ablaze with people who saw it, and I was pretty warmed to see Chelsea and Manchester United fans on various boards damning Terry for this. I think it’s only a matter of time before fan power makes Uefa reveal the footage and Terry is charged. 

A couple of fringe articles can be found HERE, HERE and HERE.

This is disgraceful and a far cry from how I remember football being as a kid.  Yes, there was always idiots in the crowd (something which has been almost totally stamped out at Old Trafford), but I can’t ever recall something like this before on the pitch.  Hopefully they will make an example out of this animal and ban him for a year with no pay.  THAT would be fantastic.

If they don’t, well, we all know how there are certain untouchables in football.  Scum.

Picture is HERE!!!!

Manchester United – Champions of England, Champions of Europe, again.

Why am I posting this?  Antikrish is meant to be warts and all, and this is me at my most open.

I am quite literally crying with joy, I have been a supporter of Manchester United since my dad first took me to a game when I was 8 years old after watching United win the FA Cup in 1985.  Dad was a lifelong fan, it was almost his life as to a degree it is mine; especially considering we went practically each weekend for years.

Experiencing tonights European Cup Final with my nephew Kai was absolutely worth it’s weight in gold, especially given how passionate he is becoming about the game and seeing his face when we won.  Although I felt very numb at Dads absence I couldn’t help but think of the new generation I am encouraging, Antikrish mark 2 perhaps?  Ha!

Whilst I know many of you will never understand my addiction to Manchester United and football, it will forever be a link and a reminder to the person in my life that has inspired me most, drives me on and makes me strive to be better than I am.  Indeed, I feel refreshed and renewed spiritually, it’s difficult to explain.

Anyway, am totally over the moon. CHAMPIONS!

p.s.  It really was poetic justice that John Terry missed Chelsea’s penalty after he blatantly cleared his nose onto Carlos Tevez.  He did NOT spit, he grabbed one nostril closed and blew the contents of the other over Carlos’s neck. You reap what you sow……..you filthy animal.

Noisy gits in their gardens at night

Good evening fellow trumpeters!  

Greetings, salutations and welcome to one and all; may I say a special wangtastic-welcome to the Mulsim Feather Tickling Society who have travelled all the way from sunny Clackton to be with us today.  Please ladies and gentlemen, be upstanding and give our esteemed guests a round of applause!!!  But don’t look the ladies in the eyes!

Yes, I’ve finally lost the plot.

Having worked 6am-4pm today of my own volition (I’m an overtime whore) I came home this evening, changed my bed linen (being the metrosexual man that I am), had a nice bath, then had a shave and finally slunk into my duvet for an early-ish night.  And then I got wanged by Baal and his daft minions.

Confound, blast, bugger and crumpets, every complete smeg and their hispanic maid are in their gardens tonight taking advantage of the hottest day of the year so far.  Right now I can hear several pissed bints shouting “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy!” as loud as they can followed by precisely 4 seconds of clapping and then a prompt reprise of “oi oi!” from someone sitting next to a potting shed (I devise this having heard the unique sound of slurred nonsensical jabber with added terracotta echo).  I’m all for people having a good time but why does Wallington become Aya-slapper when the temperature rises above 15oC?

In addition to this, every single little annoying yappy dog in England sounds like it’s currently outside my window tonight barking away; but where do all the big dogs go!?!?  Maybe they all go away on holiday and that’s why the little terriers come out and yap all night long free in the knowledge that a Great Dane won’t stroll down the street, jump over the fence and twat them with a club hammer?

Is it wrong to secretly hope for rain so that Sharon, Sharon and Shaz go inside and take ‘Mr Tinkles’ with them?  Being a quarter chocolate drop I do think that It is entirely a shame that our Native American (Indian) namesakes were bestowed with the power of the rain dance; whereas my bretheren chose to play Kabadi instead.  I do love the sport of Kabadi don’t get me wrong; but right now I’d happily dance naked in my garden if it meant bringing on the precipitation. 

Ah ha, that said there is now silence outside my window.  So I shall bid you all farewell and take full advantage of this by sneaking off into slumberland……..BUT………hear me Odin………I swear upon your almighty beard that I intend to take my revenge on said yappy dogs in the coming weeks by sprinkling your divine ex-lax chocolate into all gardens so that these dogs may go into the houses of my enemies and desecrate their ikea furniture!!!!!  NORSE POWER!