Greatly amused that North Korea have just faxed the South, advising them that they will “strike mercilessly without notice”.
So giving the South notice that they will strike without notice? Cunts.
Reminds me of like Bruce Lee’s ‘fighting, without fighting’?
My local Waitrose supermarket operates one of the incredibly annoying charity coin voting systems; you probably all know the things I mean?
After completing your purchases, you’re presented with a green coin token which you have to place in one of three slot boxes (fnar fnar!) according to the charity that you wish.
Presumably this is to distract posh people from realising that they are paying 30% more for the same stuff than they have in Asda?
The charity that has the most chips after a month will receive…. something….an unconfirmed donation of some kind.
Personally, I just pop my token into a random slot on my way out of the shop; I have a very nonchalant approach to this because I’m sure that they are all worthy causes!? How is one charity more worthy than another?
This brings me on nicely to the guts of my rant……. why do people spend an age comparing the charities on a very superficial level?
There’s ALWAYS a confused hippy twat standing by one of the boxes when I’m on my way out of the store, usually attempting to evaluate who gets to receive their powerful token of charity…..
Who is more deserving:
A) The Croydon Shelter for abandoned midgets.
B) Windowlickers anonymous.
C) Voluntary fallopian tube tying for minor celebrities.
I just want to grab the token off of said individuals, pop it in my mouth and swallow it!
I think the whole thing reflects the modern age? Where some people genuinely believe that they are all powerful intellectuals who can change the fortunes of the not so fortunate! With a fucking plastic token!
Perhaps next time, the bleeding heart gang could stop wasting 15 minutes of charity X-Factor and go and check on their local elderly or Disabled neighbours instead??
Choose or die!
Need I say any more??
I am utterly bored and repulsed by the continued sight of women who are embracing ‘vintage’ fashion; especially, those who are covered head to toe in tattoos and piercings!
Vintage tattooed tarts are absolutely everywhere now and I often find myself playing ‘vintage tattooed tart bingo’ (see below) in Croydon during my lunch break.
I know fashion is meant to push the boundaries whilst reflecting someones individuality; however, in my opinion, vintage tarts look like they just came off the same skanky production line with the other gazillion of similarly dressed sheep? I wouldn’t share my portion of chips with a Cath Kidston wannabe.
I love original vintage fashion because women in the 1940’s and 1950’s absolutely oozed class and (consequentially) had crazy sex appeal; the modern ‘vintage’ tart looks like she broke into an Audrey Hepburn exhibition whilst high on crystal meth and stole all the clothes?
Don’t get me wrong, I also really like tattoos, but it’s such a horrible marriage of styles? It’s like imagining your Nan’s friend Edna, totally fucked up during her youth?
Vintage Tart Bingo Card
I decided to walk Chico around some local streets this evening; my primary goal was to avoid the elite dog breeding snobs who gather down my local park.
I genuinely tire of the nosey bastards giving out their uninvited ‘advice’ about dog obedience; he’s a disobedient fucker, just like me, so they should piss off back to Crufts with their inbred pedigree chums!
Still, it’s not long until the clocks go back, darker evenings = cheerio trophy dog loving fuckers.
Anyway, I digress, back to the walk. Tonight, I was accosted by a pissed thirty-something year old bloke who was slumped/backed up against the bonnet of his white van, outside his house, drinking a can of fosters lager.
Our conversation, went exactly like this:
Pissed fella: You should treat him good mate, or you’ll come back as a dog in the next life.
Me: Yeah?
(I took a sharp Intake of breath, steadied myself for the inevitable onslaught of drunken bullshit and deployed my well-practiced ‘pleasant and interested’ facial expression that I keep for such occasions)
Pissed fella: Yeah! I proper believe that I do.
Me: Oh really, I reckon there’s something in that theor………..
Pissed fella: Yeah! You know when you see flies in a house, bumping their faces off the windows? They’re all people who have hurt dogs in the past and have to eat dog shit as punishment.
Me: Yeah? I believe that too!
Pissed fella: Yeah!!! Nothing more certain is there???
Me: True. Have a nice evening mate.
Pissed fella: I will.
A profound chat about reincarnation on a Wednesday evening with an upstanding member of society; I live in such an enlightened neighbourhood?!?
Totes is an annoying, trendy and pointless middle class buzz word that people seem to be using instead of the word ‘totally’.
Totes should NOT be confused with the silly novelty socks that you buy for people at Christmas.
Blates is similar to totes, replacing the word blatant; obvs is obviously, obviously.
The trend of shortening words to sound like you’re in a Hugh Grant movie is spreading and I find all three rather annoying.
Fkn cnts.
So Detroit is bankrupt and the unpaid police officers are considering going on strike.
In other news OCP have built a robot police officer….
DOCTOR DRE BEATS HEADPHONES
I find myself increasingly irritated by trendy people wearing expensive Doctor Dre Beats over-ear headphones in public; especially the new Neon variety and the offensive advert.
I saw a skulking bag of bones sauntering down the road wearing a pair of beats today; I didn’t know if I wanted to give Skeletor some money for a Happy meal ™ or grab one side of the headphones and let it slap him upon my release?!?
I definitely wanted to give him beats, in ¾ time baby! 1, 2, OW!
Before purchasing a pair of beats headphones, please consider the following:
· Can you really get top end audio fidelity from a smartphone to justice the extravagant price tag?
· You will look like a tool
· In-ear headphones are only a tenner and won’t annoy me to the point bordering violence.
Alternatively, buy a kazoo and make your own tunes?
SMOKER PERFUME
Smoker perfume = Where a smokers perfume bonds with the smell of their pongy habit and produces a very unique but consistent stink.
It doesn’t seem to matter what the base fragrance is because the FOUL ODOUR ALWAYS SMELLS THE SAME!!!
So smoky ladies, don’t bother spending hours testing out the atomisers in Debenhams and Boots; you’ll only end up smelling like Coco Chanel’s skanky ashtray.
The Antikrish 
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