Snoooooooooow!

Hooray! Finally, a change in season!!!! I love seasonal weather innit?

I mean, who wants the weather to be the same week in week out?!? Spanish people and loons, that’s what I say!

They don’t like it up ’em!!!

Rumours of my death……..

……have been greatly exaggerated.

It was the proverbial “kiss of death”; no sooner had I renewed my blog subscription and made a vow to post more regularly on this glorious site did I then end up having yet another fight with a car. Unbelievable.

A total schmuck decided to careen into me whilst I was established on a roundabout and pushed my leg up against my exhaust with his car; thus fracturing my ankle in two places. I was refused an ambulance given that I’d ridden home after the event and my injuries were not life threatening, my sister swiftly took me to A&E and a doctor decided in his wisdom to pop a plaster cast over my leg from the base of my toes right up to the knee.

This was all great until I realised that they had popped the cast over the friction burn that ran the full length of my shin without dressing it. I can still remember the pain when the cast had to come off two days later when I was referred to the fracture clinic. Ouch.

After my consultant reviewed my x-rays and stuff he encouraged me to wear a stirrup support instead of another plaster cast on the basis that that my fractures were reasonably minor and the main issue appeared to be both swelling and the ‘soft tissue crush’ injury. So I went home.

Excruciating pain followed for the next few days, everytime time I stood up on one leg and dangled the bad one whilst using the crutches I got a severe shooting pain down the damaged one, I tried strapping it, took pain medication regularly; all to no avail. In the end I just laid in bed feeling rather sorry for myself.

Being a very independant chap I suddenly felt trapped, helpless actually and could no longer rely on escaping using my trusty bike when I fancied doing so. I quickly consumed my favourite t.v. shows as they aired; the last ever episode of ‘Monk’ that capped things off nicely, the season finale of ‘Dexter’ with it’s funky twist and of course who can forget daily showings of ‘Diagnosis Murder’.

In reflection, I think that I temporarily become a couch potato? Well, a bed potato at the very least.

Frustrated from lack of sleep and mobility I eventually returned to St Helier hospital the following week to demand better support for my poorely peg and was given a rather fancy inflatable brace support which the nice man in the hospital called the ‘David Beckham Boot’; appropriately named because he wore one when his leg got chuffed. This cheered me up a lot, I could immediately get about a lot more and began to laugh off the the last two weeks of my personal living hell.

The consultant had originally signed me off for 6 weeks, I spoke to my G.P. and used my rather funky powers of pursuasion to get it down to 2 weeks; finally returning to work on Monday, 7th of December, 2009.

This week, I’m happy to report that the swelling has gone down an encouraging amount, the bruising has also begun to vanish and I’ve stopped using the crutches; I even managed to hobble into Croydon high street today to do some Christmas shopping. I do realise that I am rather fortunate not to be injured more than I am, and appreciate that there are a lot of people worse off than I; however, suffice to say that I will be glad when this is all behind me.

I would like to say thanks to David and Jane for managing to get me over to theirs for Sunday lunch before the Monday I returned to work; Ray for chauffeuring me around since I went back to the office and to all my well-wishers.

The healing powers of playing xbox with a good friend and receiving regular texts/phonecalls and messages online are quite underestimated believe me; therefore special thanks go to Angelo and Dave for coming over and cheering me up considerably.

My biggest thanks go to Brian and Lorraine for being there as always when I needed them, and Mumsie who looked after me tirelessly and made me scrambled eggs on toast at 8pm. Goodness, this post is as self indulgent as an Oscar acceptance speech but I want to record my appreciation, so fuck off if you don’t like it.

So there we are, I’m on the path to recovery. Bring on Christmas!

Saw – Xbox 360 Review

Intro page

I’m something of a latecomer to the Saw film franchise and was only introduced to the world of Jigsaw last week when I watched the 1st and 2nd films back to back; I enjoyed them both so much that I also spent this Saturday totally engrossed in the 3rd, 4th and 5th installments. Nice one for the recommendation Ang!

For me the films aren’t JUST about the gore or the traps for which they are infamously known, personally I enjoyed witnessing the transition of John Kramer from terminal cancer patient to becoming the films lead protagonist and a serial ‘killer’; Jigsaw.

A terminal diagnosis and losing an unborn son result in Kramer eventually attempting to take his own life on two occasions, both are unsuccessful and result in a life-changing epiphany; Kramers rebirth is complete and Jigsaw is born. Kramer decides to dedicate the remainder of his life by capturing and testing the immoral and those he feels have devalued their own lives into playing deadly games which ultimately offer retribution; but at a high price.

The xbox 360 game puts you in the place of Homicide Detective Tapp (Danny Glover’s character from the first film) whose obsession into catching Jigsaw becomes his own undoing; as the introduction kicks in you immediately know that the game means business because you awake to find that you are wearing the same reverse beartrap device which is seen in the first film. You are given 60 seconds to remove the helmet, or your face explodes.

The controls of the game are very intuitive, from the reaction button prompts which you have to hit in sequence in order to remove the reverse beartrap to the overal control of the character from when you escape it’s clutches.

The look of the game is also quite brilliant, totally recapturing the dirty, macabre and dilapidated industrial surroundings that are synonymous with the films; the lighting, colours and mood of the game are absolutely spot on; I loved how atmospheric the lighting becomes when you use a zippo lighter to illuminate certain areas in the game.

I would have no hesitation in drawing a comparison to ‘Silent Hill’ in the way the game oozes atmosphere, but in many ways ‘Saw’ is far more disturbing because it attacks your senses straight from the beginning; no sooner are you out of the initial bathroom you’re then confronted by the distant cries of a man screaming for help before being thrust into another ‘game’.

Puzzles that I encountered within the first 30 minutes or so were nicely thought out, not too easy, not too hard; I expect the games difficulty will increase as you go. I also really enjoy the way in which Jigsaw ensures that other ‘players’ will seek you out when you find that he has implanted a key into your body which is required for the others to escape.

The combat in the game nice and simple too which is refreshing; although I loved the ‘Silent Hill’ games, I often felt the combat could have been a bit better sometimes within the franchise.

I expect that I’ll be spending a few evenings helping Detective Tapp search the abandoned hospital for Jigsaw with the aid of his flickering zippo lighter and a trusty bit of pipe; I’ve embedded a bit of footage below which will give you a brief glimpse at the game. Try not to laugh where I had problems getting the doors to close on the toilets!

Fucking doors!

HINT – The 1 in the combination is actually a 7!

Xbox 360 ban wave

And so we come to it, Microsoft has been carrying out out it’s annual ‘ban wave’ over the last couple of weeks; designed to target the modified console community (or pirates to those in the media) just before the biggest game of the year comes out; oh yes, and Christmas. Pfffftttt.

As per usual, you get the mass media hype saying how pirating is damaging the gaming industry; personally I’d say the damage was done years ago by Sony and it’s aggressive surge into the market but there you are. Alas, I can appreciate how pirating games is naughty, but I can also understand why it brings out a rebellious streak in some who people prefer not to pay £50 a game each time.

What will this mean to those who have had their consoles banned from playing on xbox live? Well, after talking to my friends who have been caught had their legs slapped, I’m of the impression that most will go out and buy a new machine, keep it legit and buy only the very best games to play online; the new Call of Duty – Modern Warfare 2 game for example.

Most would probably keep the modded xbox for playing copied games offline and still save a significant amount of money in the long run by doing this. Not a big deal really when you look at it like that is it?

So what have Microsoft gained by doing this? Was it ever about piracy? I don’t really believe it was personally. Who will suffer? US games developers probably because there’s sod all development left in the UK now.

20 million people apparently play xbox live, an estimated 900,000 of those are banned for using modded boxes. If you take the average price of a console as £150.00 then that means that’s £135,000,000 in the coffers IF most go out and buy another machine. £135 million quid!

No, I personally think that this is more about Christmas sales figures, the Nintendo Wii and Slim PS3 have all been flying off the shelves lately, so Microsoft has to get their console sales figures up. What better way to do it than through a ban wave and look to be addressing a piracy issue at the same time? What would be more damaging for the Xbox, 1/20th of it’s online users having modified boxes, or slipping down in the console ranks?

What will I do? Lets just say I intend on writing quite a few ‘early’ game reviews on Antikrish should I have the time 🙂

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr Jim lad!

X-Fucktor

I hate being asked which act I prefer on shows like X-Factor; I don’t watch it and honestly couldn’t give a cats cunt!!!!!!!!

I’m not denying that some of the performers can hold a tune on the show (in their favourite key at least), in fact it’s not the singing I dislike so much; but the cheesy format of the programme.

The sensationalist ‘News Of The World’ style coverage of the artists that always manages to overshadow a performance is what I find impossible to digest.  For example:

“Shaona, tell us why you want to win this competition”

“Well yeah, right, like yeah, well, I’m working 2 jobs and supporting my 7 brothers because my Mum didn’t have the word ‘No’ in her vocabulary; and when I’m famous yeah, all I wanna do is put them through college.  You know?”

Just sing Shaona you tragic twat!!!!  IT’S A TALENT CONTEST, NOT A ‘MY LIFE’S SHIT SO GIVE ME THE SYMPATHY VOTE’ CONTEST!

It’s a shame that a show doesn’t exist which truly showcases undiscovered musical talent in this country, raw talent preferably!  No pre-manufactured bilge please!!! A battle of the bands contest would be pretty cool, but it’ll never happen……..

X-Factor = Wank

‘Throwing shapes’, ‘messy night outs’ and ‘good times’

I got asked tonight when I last “threw some shapes”?  One must confess, the expression meant fuck all to me and I was most confuddled and bamboozled?!!? Eventually I asked what it meant and came to understand that she wanted to know when I had last danced my arse off?   Why didn’t she just say that in the first place instead of trying to be trendy?!

Just for the record, the last time I ‘threw some shapes’ was probably in the Early Learning Centre…………

This person also went on to describe their weekend as ‘messy’.  ‘Messy’!?  By ‘messy’ she meant that she had drunk to excess and stayed out late.  Wooooo, that’s original.  Never done that before.  Snore.  ‘Messy’ to me is more likely to describe a good fuck or helping birth a calf.  The latter is extremely messy; take my word for it.

Another annoying expression that I hear all too often is when someone says ‘good times’ after recalling something that they’ve done; usually nodding at the same time and making a stupid puckered lipped expression to emphasise that the listener should find their statement cool. I refuse to carry an organ donor card until there is a tick box that says ‘I agree to donate my organs upon my death IF the recipient doesn’t say ‘good times’ at the end of a sentence”.

When someone says ‘good times’ after a sentence it makes something potentially interesting become dull almost immediately, forgetful in fact.

“Kev, I went to the Moon at the weekend and found a copy of ‘Readers Wives’………….Good times”.

Yeah?…..great……….zzzzzz.

32 years young and still Looking for Eric

I’ve run out of salutations full of cliche, so I shall just say hello!

Tis my 32nd birthday today, I write this particular entry in the warm confines of my bedroom having spent the morning mooching around the house and chatting to Mum who has been making a royal fuss.  I endured the uncomfortable sensation of opening up my birthday cards (I’ve had a strange phobia of them since I was a small child) but thoroughly appreciated the warm gestures from within them; cash is always welcome.  ::hint hint, nudge nudge, cockney shuffle::

So what to do today?  Well, it’s a Sunday, and Sunday’s are generally a bit rubbish aren’t they?  So I’ve stocked up on films and intend to just chill out in between the occasional visit by family and friends.

I’ve literally just watched ‘Looking for Eric‘ and I honestly could not have watched something more uplifting and appropriate.  It’s gritty, funny, a fantastic social commentary of modern day Manchester and heartily recommend it; even if you aren’t a fan of football.  I’d liken it to an amateur version of ‘Harvey’ crossed with ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ but suspect Baldie would smack my face with a glove when I next see him.  Ooops, too late, I already have.

Eric Cantona is the player I tend to think of most when I recall the many games Dad took me to, he was by far and most Dad’s favourite player and will forever more represent all the gushy and slushy memories that I hold of the old man.

To see this film today was perfect because it reminded me of when my idol met his idol for the upteenth time at a beach football competition in Richmond; was the only time Dad had ever let me pay for the tickets and we met Eric having sneaked into the V.I.P. area (such was our speciality) whilst he was having a massage. Unlike a lot of footballers today, Eric (and a lot of players from that era) had time for his fans, happy to discuss his passion for the game and what inspired him.

If I”m ever lucky enough to meet him again I will thank him for the picture below which always makes me smile.

Legend.

daderic

Happy Diwali

A message from his holiness:

Swami Prahabudbudwiser Antikrish III

My children, this Diwali I would respectfully request that you all break with the usual traditions and celebrate my immense greatness by lighting lots and lots of cherry scented candles.

When you have at least 666 candles lit, commence throwing fireworks at each other (no Catherine wheels) until not a single air bomb or rocket resides in your shop windows.  Finally, before the midnight hour signals the end of the day, you must kiss the first cow that you see!  Not Jersey cows though, they are bastards!  ::spits::

Follow my instructions and you will all have a peaceful, happy and prosperous New Year. Or your money back!

Kiss my brown self, owwwwwwwwww!

Hello chums.

My plan for Diwali was to ride over to my pal Alan’s and let him test out the snazzy video camera gadget that he’d installed on his motorbike.

The ‘Dogcam 520 pro’ was fitted in the rear (best place for it Alan?) to pick me as I travelled along the winding roads of Kent; in reality the footage only lasted a mere 6 minutes because Al used cheap batteries from Hong Kong and the majority of what did get recorded showed him struggling to get the cover back on over the top of the camcorders hidey space thingamy.  Riveting stuff!

I have of course included the footage below so that Mr McSpielberg may receive plaudits for his directing skills.  Getting my own ‘Dogcam’ may well be on the cards; I suspect that it could have some very amusing applications!?!  I say, get your mind out of the gutter, I’m a respectable man you know!

Right, I’m off to scoff my commemorate the Festival of Lights with a good curry.

Sag aloo!

Now available in HD

No Anglo Indians were harmed in the production of this film.

………..although I was arguably exploited?

Phoenix – ‘Fine vision’ adhesive visor lens

Have you suffered from a fogged-up visor whilst you’re out and about?  When served by the attractive young woman at the deli counter in Tesco’s when your ticket flashes up on the ticket flashy thing, when you’re about to pay for condoms in the pharmacy or even when riding a motorbike in colder climes?  If the answer to any of these questions is “yes!” then fear not, relief is at hand!!

Enduring a fogged-up visor is a royal pain in the arse, and even a professional footballer realises that this can be flipping dangerous.  So, being a responsible sort of chap (ahem) I asked a very experienced biker chum who recommended that I try a visor insert; a rather handy little gadget designed to reduce fogging.  Nice one Andy me old china!

A visor insert, or ‘adhesive lens’ is basically a way of putting double glazing inside your visor; the pocket of air in between the lens and visor stops fogging.  Simple eh?  You position the lens, guide your finger around the adhesive perimeter and leave to sit for 24 hours and they hey presto!  No more fogging!

For £10, you can’t go wrong (unless you apply it in a wonky fashion and ruin your visor……) – WEBSITE – PHOENIX ADHESIVE VISOR LENS

KEVS TIP – HOW TO STOP YOUR GLASSES FOGGING UP!

My old metalwork teacher told me that if you want to stop your glasses fogging up, get a little Vaseline on a cloth, apply and rub it into the glasses on both sides and then just polish until clear.  If you apply this to a bathroom mirror then it’s rather handy when shaving!

Phoenixlenspic