I can’t sleep, my mouth is hurting like a mofo; thought I’d have a quick browse at the BBC and what should I find? An article debating if Obama is black or mixed race?
I’ve a good mind to e mail the author and tell her she’s about 7 days too late. I may even sue!!! BWAH HA HA HA!
It’s actually a good article, so if you fancy a gander, go here:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/us_elections_2008/7735503.stm
I thought I’d throw up a few pictures of my first motorbike. Click a photo to enlarge, click it again to shrink.
No jokes about spending all my time polishing my helmet please?
Blimey, I hoped Barak Obama would get in; but I must confess I never fully expected it to actually happen; I’ve secretly been harbouring a genuine fear that the ‘good old boy’ network of American may actually come out in force to vote and push John McCain over the finish line.
Everytime I saw something in the news about McCain’s campaign I began to picture old man McCain sauntering up the White House front lawn and suddenly croaking it; leaving Sarah “Medievally-minded Barbie” Palin in the hotseat. I shudder profusely at the possibility.
I am truly thankful he chose her as his running mate, I am now convinced that the majority of people in America couldn’t stomach her extremely narrow minded and backward Evangelical ways (for god sakes she’d already picked out what countries she wanted to nuke in the name of the Lord!). I can feel myself staring at her whenever she’s on television or in the papers; purely to remind myself that people like her really do exist and it’s not all some elaborate windup. Lets just hope she buggers off back to her cave along with anyone else who agrees with her Medieval opinions.
Anyway, I am hopeful that old Barak chops will continue bringing much needed change to America. It flipping well needs it.
One more question (Columbo eat your heart out), can they sack George W Bush NOW please?
Bonjour to all (especially all you debauched ladies out there, honk honk).
Oh my, where to begin? Well, on the 28th October 2008 I underwent an operation to have two wisdom teeth pulled out. It was performed in hospital under a local anaesthetic (I would have preferred a dentist but one wasn’t available) and have to say that overall I’ve been rather lucky with the whole experience.
It involved a few injections, loads of pressure (they held my head and put all sorts of contraptions in my mouth), pliers on the tooth and CRRRRRRRRRRRRRUNCH, they were gone; the crunch bit was particularly awesome I have to say. I think I freaked the surgeon out a little because I was openly fascinated by the whole process; I was rather saddened by the fact I wasn’t allowed to keep the teeth. Medical waste my artichoke!
I count myself as very fortunate because I didn’t feel any pain at all throughout the procedure and the pain has generally been under control with some wicked strength Ibuprofen (except the last couple of nights where I’ve woken up in pain). So there we have it, I can only hope now that the left side heals as much as possible before I have the other 2 teeth out on the 11th November, 2008. Can’t wait.
Suprisingly, I was well enough to work from home the same day I had the operation and felt OK to return back into the office the following day. I would like to thank colleagues and fwends at this point for their well-wishing and generally putting up with me when I’ve been a bit grumpy and lathargic this week. Big shout to Baldy for recommending Warzone, a game I played a fair bit over the last few days. Very funky and I urge you all to try it.
Given the irritation of my teeth I spent the weekend relaxing and doing pretty much bugger all. On Friday night I finally took possession of my first motorbike (an Aprilia RS125) which I fell in love with upon sight (pics to follow tonight, oh yes, and I have pictures of birthday pizza which I’ll also post tonight). Can’t wait to get out and about on it, especially down to Selsey (South coast of England) during the summer.
Saturday I had a quick go at recording ‘Carry on’ with the new Latin arrangement, had a few ideas with the percussion, I was however a little peeved at how muddy the acoustic guitar sounded for the riff which is strange really considering how crisp it sounded for the chords on track 1. Strange, it’s just so bassy. May need to change the strings but think I’ll save some pennies and buy a nice new acoustic for Christmas along with a good mic and the decent pair of cans that Alex keeps telling me I must buy. Fwap.
Sunday I spent the morning checking over the bike along with scanning through the workshop manual; I can honestly say that I never expected to be so enthralled with the mechanics of motor vehicles as I do these days. That said, I took G.C.S.E workshop engineering at school and regularly used lathes so perhaps I’ve just come full circle to that? Interesting. I still have the pendulum I made somewhere for the practical. “Lube, you must use lube!!!!”. “But Sir, it looks like jizz!!!!”.
The rest of my Sunday was spent playing Red Alert 3 with a couple of friends, it’s by far the best real time strategy game I’ve played since Age of Empires 2; the units are so well balanced and the graphics are very snazzy. I don’t think zapping guard dogs or disgruntled bears using prism laser defenses will ever stop appealing to my dark sense of humour. ‘arrrf arrrf…..fssssh zing peooow…..ooook’.
I should like to finish off this particular entry by saying how chuffed I was to see Halloween so well organised this year; I have such amazing memories walking around strobe-lit American neighbourhoods that pumped out various spooky tunes and audio effects. People there go all out to get into the swing of things (You know who you are Brad! ) and it’s fantastically good fun.
In contrast, citizens of the United Kingdom normally get street urchins knocking their doors for cash rather than sweets (presumably to fund their Redbull addiction?) and are armed with fireworks, however this year I witnessed kids being chaperoned by parents, politely knocking for sweets. I can only hope that this trend continues rather than the old ‘tradition’ of letting off airbombs through Mrs Miggins letterbox because she’s too scared to answer the door!
Trick or treat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, here we go again, grumpy old man time folks……I ask you “What’s more annoying than finding you have a blunt Wilkinson Sword shaver blade and no spare is to be found anywhere? Not even in your emergency razor stash?”
What’s more annoying? Being called ‘random’ that’s what!! For example: ‘Mr Willoughbury and Mr Greenshaw are sharing a tipple over a game of chess. Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, Willowbury volunteers a rather witty remark having taken his opponents Queen.’; to which Greenshaw ejaculates “I say old chap, you’re so random!!!!”.
Cunty brickdust. It’s wrong! WRONG I SAY!
Until now I reluctantly accepted it was the latest ‘in-word’, just like the ones I enjoyed using to annoy people as a kid. ‘Wicked’ in the 80’s, ‘Dark’ in the 90’s and now it appears, ‘random’. Except I don’t like ‘random’, at all. Yep, you guessed it, it’s a dirty business.
It’s clearly gone beyond being the latest incarnation of the ever-useful ‘cool’ and transformed into a phrase used after every sentence or given opportunity; and frankly, it’s become rather irritating to yours truly (hearing it gives me the kind of sensation you get when somebody drags their nails down a blackboard).
Those who know me well will vouch that I’m rather fond of taboo, slang, local phrases and eccentric colloquialisms, especially if there is some thought behind their meaning or origin, but to simply just keep using a word without it making sense is fucking annoying.
Yes I know I’m a miserable bastard but do the world a favour old chap and buy a thesaurus; thus expanding your vocabulary a bit?
BREAKING NEWS!!! NEWSFLASH!!!
Following the dubious breakdown of the Large Hadron Collider, CERN (the builders) are reviewing CCTV footage following internal reports that a crack team of far right Christian fundamentalists infiltrated the compound and sabotaged it by pouring holy water (TM) on some of the transformers (Optimus Prime is expected to make a full recovery, however Starscream who’s status is said to be critical is spending a second day in intensive care).
Eye witnesses have confirmed that the LHC first went ‘pfffffffft’, then ‘nggggggg’ and finally ‘whhoooopaaaa’ before experiencing a complete system failure. In other words folks, it’s shagged!
Looks like we’re all stuck with ‘god’ for the time being………..bugger.
The most offensive ‘exec speak’ phrases doing the rounds in my office according to the Antikrish dictionary, revised 69th edition.
Proactive = Yoghurt? This is a particularly stupid word; one often used by Financial Times subscribers (be honest, nobody actually reads it?) who lack genuine Business acumen. Generally used by an individual to announce that they will use due dilligence in order to prevent the hounds of stagnation and procrastination biting them on the arse. Common sense really?
Idea storm = What next, presentation tornados? Appraisal hurricane? Proposal sleet?
Guestimate = A combination of guess and estimate. Absolutely no need to say this whatsoever, if you do I’ll scowl at you. Hard. Like your momma used to when you ate sweets before dinner.
Chillaxing = Presumably a combination of the words chill and relaxation. If you use this, you’re a silly bell-end.
My bad = As per my earlier prediction this phrase is increasingly being used by kids who watch far too much MTV or ‘Friends’. The closest equivalent would be ‘my fault’ which of course makes perfect sense. My bad?!?! MY BAD?!?!? What’s wrong with you, ya flipping ignoramus!!! You sound like Captain Caveman! What next, ‘Unga Bunga!’ instead of “Hello old chap”.
Going Forward = Never, EVER, EVER to be used in the presence of Kev. It was clearly invented during an internal HR review; gotta love the way they recycle old marketing terminology and re-brand it? “What shall we do today girls? I know, lets invite a pointless phrase and get the masses to use it whilst we all drink Pret coffee to celebrate, hurrah!”. God I hate buzzwords. Until now I’ve been silently outraged whenever some exec git uses it in meetings, but it’s starting to drift into casual conversation amongst friend who are far too intelligent to get caught up using this phase (tut tut, you know who you are!). NO!!!!!!! IT’S A DIRTY BUSINESS!
I never paid attention in physics lessons at school. In actual fact, I bloody hated Physics, mostly due to my teacher Miss Goodman-Smith. She was a really strange idiosyncratic weirdo that beared an uncanny resemblance to Axel Rose from Guns n Roses (and even went as far to dress up as him on Mufti Day one year, WEIRD!). I’d often play truant or end up getting chucked out of the lesson for being rude to her following one of her trademark sarcastic remarks or mood swings. I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as the woman, and in the unlikely event you are reading this Miss Goodman-Spliff (We called her this as we thought she was a junkie), kiss my valve.
So all things considered, it’s something of an irony that I have such an interest now in all things Stephen Hawking (Quantum physics that is, gottal love good old Mr ‘Speak ‘n Spell’); largely I have to say due to various television programmes I loved as a kid like Star Trek, Quantum leap and to a slightly lesser extent, Doctor Who; oh yes, and all the comics. I’d like to think that I know my electrons from my protons, but the depth of theory involved with the incredibly fascinating ‘Large Hadron Collider’ experiment has seriously twisted my melon.
Even the ‘summary paragraph for plebs’ on The European Organisation for Nuclear Research’s (CERN) website made me think; pfffffft! Observe. “The £5 billion machine has been described as a 17-mile racetrack around which two streams of protons – building blocks of matter – run in opposite directions before smashing into one another. Reaching 99.99 per cent of the speed of light, each beam will pack as much energy as a Eurostar train travelling at 90 mph. The flashes from the collisions may help scientists reproduce the conditions that existed during the first moments after the Big Bang at the birth of the universe.”
You gotta love love the dogmatic bile spewed from religious cynics in reaction to the experiment, and about how it’s going to bring about the destruction of the universe (due to all the sodding about with black holes and the like apparently)? “The apocalypse!!! THE APOCALYPSE!!!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE FOR DARING TO CHALLENGE AN X-thousand YEAR OLD WIVES TALE!!!! REPENT!” I wish such people would fuck off back into the trees/caves we emerged from sometimes.
My one criticism however was the choice of location for the structure of the LHC (A 27km ‘ring’……ha ha ha!). Why didn’t they just use the M25 motorway instead? It’s 188km and all the boffins measuring their instruments (I say again, ha!) would have been able to stop off at greasy Joe’s layby cafe for a cup of rosy lee (tea) whilst all the particles whiz around. Come on, you know it makes sense!
I personally would prefer to let these wonderful ladies and gents get on with their funky experiment, let them risk sub atomic annihilation at the molecular level. I’d MUCH rather that than be spoon-fed the concept of creationism and intelligent design for another millisecond.
I mean come on, the concept of creationism is the biggest load of bollocks?
EDIT (KEV): Just found THIS on the BBC, a Q&A session with Professor Brian Cox who works on the LHC. I found the last two paragraphs to mirror my feelings above, albeit in a slightly more subtle way!
‘Sex tourist’, is a phrase frequently used in our press (particularly the BBC) at the moment to describe a person who goes abroad (to places like Thailand) with the sole intent of doing dodgy stuff to minors or sleeping with ladyboys.
My thoughts on this are quite simple. Why not just use the word ‘nonce’ instead?
I mean, what do you bring back as a souvenir from such tourism apart from STD’s? How about a “My friend/brother/husband went on holiday looking for illegal poontang and all I got was this lousy t-shirt“, or one of those incredibly cheesy but brilliant snow globes of a man shafting a ‘woman’ with a great lumpy adams apple, that glows in the dark or something. On second thoughts, does it even snow in Thailand?
You wait, there will be a ITV documentary soon called “Sex Tourism uncovered” which opens to the melody of ‘Summer Holiday’ by Sir Cliff Richard (slowed down to sound sinister) and features some fat bald man called Roger from Norfolk who ventures into Northern Africa each year to bugger Wildbeest.
I’ve had enough of lefties bringing out phrases that mean fuck all! What next, ‘Militant safari’ to describe the goings on in Iraq? How about ‘Resort Hamster’ for the sort of person who goes for the same ‘Costa del Bollocks’ package holiday every year, but doesn’t know why?
I say again, NONCE!
Well, it’s 10pm on a Friday night and most people are out right now trying their hardest to get involved in something crayyyyzeeee and, like, totally impress all their colleagues with the story when they get back into the office on Monday. I for one tend to yawn very, very openly when I hear people participating in one of these glorified pissing contests whilst in the staffroom (that we share with people from other floors, who are generally the offenders). Yawn, yawn, yawny yawn.
However, in the grand spirit of fitting in I thought I’d do something zaney and completely off the wall (and all those other MAD cliches that I know Alex can’t stand) so I can chip in when someone asks me what I did with my Friday night.
“Come on then what did you do? Bungee jumping into shark infested waters was it Kev? Tickling a wild tiger with a piece of celery maybe? Drinking 50 pints, throwing up on a ming dynasty rug and then posting it to the Chinese in a ‘free Tibet’ protest? No?!?? Well, what did you do Kev?!?!?”
Right now, I’m sitting in the bath. The bath I say! I have my laptop on a coffee table next to me, and I’m being paid time and a half to pay claims!!! BEING PAID TO SIT NAKED IN THE BATH!!!! Beat that all you totally mad fuckers!
I’m not only thinking out of the box, but I’m wet too!
The Antikrish 
You must be logged in to post a comment.